Wednesday, 27 January 2016

The Feeling of Uncertainty!!

I know i always say 'i'm black and so i cant be depressed' , but for some couple of days now, i have been feeling not so good about my self, my brain capacity, my ability to study and finish something with a presentable result... 
why am i even so bothered about this ish?? i have spoken to people that matter and everyone has one reason or more why i should just let things go and take it as easy as i possibly can.

I am a woman, and most times when i say 'long story' trust me it ain't as long as you expect it to be.
 there is this wonderful lady who happens to 'be paid to impact something meaningful to my life' and for some reason after the 'impacting session' she of cause has to figure out if she has done some kind of work or not, by giving me a kind of test, so every single time, something happens that i have to seek different means to prove to her that ' i was impacted in her class, but mainly by the contributions of others in that impactation class',  i blame myself each time for walking into her class, but lets face it, i don't have much options, the most frustrating part right now is that i always think that each time will be different.(it never is).

Fuck!!! she has drained me this last week, i have had to check and cross check every possible option i have, a friend even told me it was God's will, i don't want to be a hypocrite, but i don't think God will put me in this situation that stresses the life off of me all the time, i was supposed to finish up on my thesis and send a copy to my supervisor this week, but instead i;m looking for classes to substitute for her class i took , having to try and balance my time between work and school(which i thought i wouldn't have any classes this final semester), everything is just haywire for me... i;m sorry if you don't get most of what i'm saying, i'm just too angry to get the right words in a coherent order.

On a totally different note, the supreme court of Nigeria just upheld the governorship election in my home state, now this government will run till 2019, this is actually in my favour, thus making me want to graduate faster and get my self outta this ''amazing'' country, but then again, not all Nigerians want to go back home, this 'fine brother' *winks* wants me to stay back in Europe,(not Estonia). i don't know much about delimas and decision making, but i hope i don't fuck this up for us both.

Nigerians has found a way to recycle  plastic bottles by using them to build a house that is fireproof, bullet proof and Eco friendly, that is great news, seeing that in the last months all i have been getting from home are just bad news about how the present government is fucking up.

Ok, i have managed to say so much in a non correlated way, i'm sorry, but then again, this blog is  about 'everything and nothing'.

Thursday, 21 January 2016

My Green Nigerian Passport.

The geographical location of a country determines if that country will be rich or poor, especially with natural endowments, if the country will be landlocked, have easy trade routes, be in the man made regionalisation of north, south ,east and west, or continentalization. 

My country happens to be man named in the western region of the continent Africa, yes it is rich, (but this doesn't matter)in population and natural resources, and crime and corruption and pollution and so  many other vices, these are undeniable facts, but the stigmatization of these facts on every person carrying a green ECOWAS passport at the borders is preposterous, the scrutiny of your belongings, (i mean each and every one of your clothing, food items, very personal items)is just unacceptable. yes the past and present (maybe even future)leaders have made very horrible choices and decision that we now have to bear the consequences, but that don't mean the whole lot of 170 million people are the same, i don't go around looking at every German as a Nazi, i don't judge the 'old money' white people as slave dealers,i don't think every Indian is awesome in sex, i for certain don't think all Estonian's are slow, but for some reason, the world has chosen to think of me as the girl from the terrorist country, with poverty and corruption stinking up her every breath.

I went to see a documentary at the KUMU museum which was about the refuges, and for some reasons, there black Senegalese amongst them, i was bewilded, when did Syrians become west Africans? and then a Morocco drug addict refereed to her dealers as the Nigerian bosses, it seems like a movie where a black person is featured is not complete until Nigeria is mentioned. that also reminded me of the Hollywood movie i saw recently, where Will Smith was playing a Nigerian doctor, i wasn't curious about the content of the movie, but i just wanted to prove to my friends that he will have the 'relate able African Accent' this is the Accent most producers use in there movies to portray Africa, not minding that the continent speaks differently, i mean within the west African region there are more than 50 Accents, but no, if he manages to speak with a deep voice, and weird assent ,slowly counting his words while he speaks then the movie would be said to be properly done.

My Green Nigerian passport is my pride, and i will forever look at it in that manner, although it has given me negative reviews and judgments, it is my lot, and i love it nonetheless.

Monday, 11 January 2016

That moment of fear

Can i have your identification card please?the lady asked me, i was furiously searching my pockets hoping that  there is another pocket within the main pocket, because for some reason, my ID card was not there, i finally found my voice, do i need it to take my parcel? she affirmed and i just turned around to leave, telling her i will be back with it.

 As i walked out of the post office, i was gripped with the fear of the unknown, my brain was going to war with itself trying to retrace my steps back to my desk at home while also searching all the streets and stops i had passed till the post office hoping to find it some where, my mind on the other hand was trying earnestly to assure me that i didn't put it in my pocket, which was a failure because i knew very well that i had them both, my ID and my Bank Card, and now they are no where to be found.
this mind puzzle was freaking me out, the 5 mins bus drive from the city center to my place took an eternity, my head was pounding, i was angry at my self , you know this is not the first time this is happening, but this time around it happened right out of my hands, i just kept muttering 'not again, not again,' t my self, i'm sure the person next to me would think i'm just a crazy black girl, but at that moment, i had no care at all, i was in my own world, scolding myself for my carelessness.

I should have just left them both in the wallet and take the wallet with me, i mean, really, what was wrong with the wallet anyways, why didn't i just take it along? it would be difficult to lose a wallet than losing 2 cards from my pocket, i tried to think if i came to close to anyone who would have have access to pick my pockets, i thought of so many things while harboring a tiny bit of hope that i indeed forgot them on my desk.

Getting home, i didn't bother to undress, i just dashed straight to my desk and my fear increased, as they weren't there, i did leave the house with them but i didn't get to the post office with them, now the question was, where in the world are they?? so i just left and started walking all the way back as i had done earlier, with my head to ground, my eyes bright as a torch, i couldn't miss them, i cant loose them again!

Just there i n the midst of dirt and snow (because it sounds weird to say dirty snow) left behind by a car track, i saw my face looking back at me through my cards, they both lay there obviously crying out from the cold and me leaving them and walking away without any form of cover in this harsh whether, i felt like crying, but mine was to a tear of joy to have my babies back.... i love you , and i will never take you out of the wallet ever again! cant afford to loose you ! i need money to survive and you are the key to that , don't ever leave me again!

I eventually got my long awaited parcel, the universe is back to normal. Hallelujah!!!! 


It is the little things in life that are most dear, the unprecedented and unplanned activities that takes us to another level of excitement, happiness etc, i have found mine just outside my window.

Ok, so i moved to a new place (again) a couple of months ago and just outside my window is a play ground, at first i thought it was just a neighborhood playground , until at exactly 11;20am every weekday the screams of children will draw my attention and after an hour, they would disappear, i thought this strange of a neighborhood playground until my roomie told me that the building next  to it was a kindergarten (then it all made sense.)

I don't know any of these children, but they always call me (literally, although not by name) with their laughter, and screams (lets face it, they are attention seekers, they want an audience! lol), so i oblige them (being a good person that i am. *winks), i leave what ever i have to do (which is always nothing), and stare at them until either i get a cold from the cracks on my window or my legs hurt from standing or worst, they leave. 

I now have a couple of favorites and each day i look forward to them, because i have unintentionally made up stories about them, lets take Frankie to begin with, he is a loner, he always goes to the swing at the far corner, he takes possession and doesn't leave till break time is over, he just sits there and swings away his nightmares, while thinking up new mischief to play on his babysitter Karen, when he get home. Ben, Alex, Howard and Sally are a gang team, but i think Alex likes Sally, but the feeling is not mutual, because each time Alex picks on Ben (who by the way seems to take every punch and shove as game) Sally gets mad, and is always on the defensive side, Howard on the other hand is the side kick to Alex, he doesn't do any punching, but is sure to alert them when the teacher is coming close.

Paul maybe the youngest in the class or just a child with separation anxiety because he doesn't make friends and is always with the teachers, he doesn't even play on his own, he just follows the teachers around as they walk around making sure each child is safe, i don't know if he has been bullied by the class often, or he is that kid who came when everyone has already paired up, what ever it is, sticking to the teachers side all day, is going to give him a reputation he wont get off easily even after 20 years, (kids are mean, and they will remind you all the time of things you so desperately want to forget.)

Mike and Joe rule the slides but they are good children because sometimes (when they feel like it) they let the girls crew (Molly,Lilly,Chloe and Josephine) play while they check out other toys.
sometimes i like to relieve my days as a kid in the school playground through the activities of these children, but it doesn't always work out as planned, they fascinate me on their own. i look forward to 11.20 am every day and on weekends i miss them. 

If it wouldn't be too creepy and if the cold would let me i would walk over to the fence and make friends with them, i'm sure they would have ideas and the secret to success they would be willing to share with me.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Germany Continua!

You remember that crazy friend of mine? well, she couldn't shut up and let us get home before she bombarded me to 'talks', i mean i wanted to get home and maybe save some gist for the remaining of the days, (this was going to be a five day trip with her and two with two other wild friends)but i was wrong, madame crazy talked on and on, we got home eventually and because it was already past 12 am, everyone had gone to bed, so i didn't get to meet the rest of the families,(which turned out to be a good thing, because 'the Apple doesn't fall far from the tree right? one sister was crazily quite all the time, but i knew she had tons to say to me, when she did speak, i knew i wasn't wrong, and the other one wasn't so chatty either, but she has my kinda sense of humor, and i think she buries her herself in her huge library , come to think of it, which teenager in this century reads!?? that babe is a big non science nerd!) OK, i drift again.....

It was breakfast with the family every morning, this is not what i am used to, back home, before i get up from bed, Dad has either gone to work or mum has had breakfast and is preparing lunch or everyone else is eating in their individual rooms, we basically never have that 'family breakfast, lunch or dinner time' you wanna know the worst part of this family eating time? you had to talk! i thought it was bad manners to talk while eating, but then again i was in Germany and everything has been weird from the moment i got to Berlin, so i what was i really expecting? they were laughing and chatty and i just sat there thinking...'how did i get here?'

Out in the old town of Dresden, i took in so much spectacular sites and monuments, i cant even mention them all here, cos frankly i don't wanna get you even more jealous than you already are of my amazing trip, one thing tho, that trilled me, was one epic church building (i'm going to try and be as vague as possible) i wanted to go inside the church and have a quite time with God, you know just to ask him why he made me cross paths with this crazy girl and why he allowed me consent to coming down here to spend time with her 'very European' family, but guess what? the queue to get into the church was outrageous, there where three entrances, and all three of them had lines so long up to (not exaggerating) 100 or more people waiting to get in, now i became even more curious, i wanted to know if God himself was physically in their and addressing everyone's problems, i knew i had to get into that church, but we couldn't join the queue, because we (the children...when did i even become white? i thought i was a guest, but nope! i had been initiated into the family) had to decorate the Christmas tree, and exchange present, and have the traditional Christmas meal which was potato salad,(all these had to be done on the 24th, because apparently 24th is the German Christmas, if things weren't weird enough!)

We got home, played some cards, decorated the tree, put presents underneath, then Mum said we have to sing a Christmas song, i asked why? and was told it is traditional to sing to Santa before he gives you the present he has, (really????) so we sang, and then Santa (the parents) gave everyone their gifts, and vice versa, opening time, screams, excitement, tears of joy, laughter filled the air as one piece at a time a wrapping sheet was tossed aside to reveal the hidden content. this very moment was just magical for me, i was then blessed to have become a part of this family even if it was for a short while, i knew i would only forget it in death.

The following day, the Grand parents arrived, bearing with them (Santa's) gifts, i hadn't even met them before, but i still got gifts,(please which family want to have me for Christmas 2016, lol),  i didn't understand most or all of what they said, because they spoke only in German, but from the laughter filling the room when they spoke, i knew these couple got jokes! they were a delight!. it was sad to say goodbye when they had to go because i was already engulfed in the energy they brought with them.

I am just going to stop here, but i still maintain it was the weirdest and most amazing Christmas EVER!, oh! and yeah, i finally got into that church, and even if i didn't physically see God sitting there dishing out info on how my future would be, i felt him, and then i said a prayer.

Monday, 4 January 2016


So i have been having it in mind to go Germany since last summer, first it was supposed to be for a dearest friends wedding (which was to be held in August), but out of my own laxity and the stupid order of the Abuja international Airport Nigeria, i missed my flight , needless to say she still holds it against me till date. (but she loves me too much to not forgive me..winks).

Any-who, i started planning another trip in September with another crazy friend of mine, (tall like an Agric fowl, you know, those ones they raise and feed with artificial foods in the barn, loool), stunning beauty, but does not seem to fully know of it, (i love her to the moon and back) OK, i drift....
this trip took months to plan, there were hiccups all the time, inconsistencies from where to fly from, dates, plans for the trip, duration of the trip, flight cancellation,(actually more like, Airline going bankrupt)etc this point, i should add that i was exhausted, financially, enthusiastically and otherwise.

You know there was a point when i wanted to cancel this trip, i mean i thought hard about it, like whats the point? i would see this crazy girl some other time, i don't need to go to her home with her and be with her family, (that wouldn't be fun), fun is usually outta the reach of family, (at least from my point of view),i thought about so many negative and flimsy things to make me abandon this trip, i even wrote the airline and asked how much i could get if i cancelled my flights, my friends staying back in Estonia were blackmailing me and making me feel bad for leaving them behind, i was told i wouldn't eat good, because )you know white people don't eat chili) then i thought of going with a little chili, but i thought about it, i would look stupid putting chilling in every meal and that would make me the biggest weirdo of 2015.

so i made the trip EVENTUALLY, 
Now it wasn't an easy trip, (as a cheap student, we take cheap flights and even break the journey how ever possible) so i took the 4 hr bus ride to Riga,Latvia and boarded the plane to Berlin, i had just a few minutes(or so i thought) to highlight the plane and catch the last bus to Dresden, i didn't put into consideration the time difference, hence i was going crazy in the plane when first it was delayed for 30 minutes, then it now decided that instead of an hour flight it would make it an hour 40 minutes, and then, i  was practically acting like i was on drugs and needed a quick fix, (lol) the guy next to me was anxious and had to ask what was wrong, all i could say was the pilot should land this fucking plane, i have a bus to catch else i would have to sleep at the airport, he laughed and said if that be the case, then he will find a way to help me seeing that i don't speak German,(that was a nice thing of him to do, but it didn't help re assure me.) the plane finally landed and it turned out i was on the wrong time zone and i had 40 minutes before my bus arrived.(wipes invisible sweat from face, while taking a deep breath.)

I caught the bus and the driver was speaking in German to me, i stood staring at him like he was talking to a blank space, (rude right? i know, but it has been a long day and this journey was going to be for another 3 hours or more, i was hungry AF, and don't forget cold and miserable, i just wanted to get in to the bus and sleep.) so someone interpreted that he wanted 1 Euro for my luggage ( which i think was extortion because i paid for the fare and i'm entitled to a luggage, but then it was just 1 Euro and everyone else has paid....yh, i know that shouldn't make it right, but i wouldn't change the German transport company rules on my first night...i think) and which station i would highlight, i just gave him the ticket hopefully he finds what ever answers he needed from there, (thank Goodness he did).

 I got in and it was an empty bus, so i was opportuned to choose a seat, i found 50 Cents on the last seat and i made a wish,(cos that what people do right? find a penny, make a wish bla bla bla...), after 3 hours we arrived Dresden, and then i saw a weirdo running with out stretched arms towards me, and suddenly everything was fine in the world again, there comes my crazy friend.