Saturday, 2 August 2014

Not at home in my own 'home'

So this babe said any boy who wants to ask her out should come with plantain, yam, red oil and crayfish, that she wont only accept, she would move in with him and be his 'Ekaete in abroad' till they graduate, loooool, it is not funny tho! but that is how desperate people got.

Yes some people brought some foodstuffs( the ones immigration allowed you carry) but how long will it last nah? not to talk about 'olodo's ' like me that didn't even carry....

Forget  o! i used to form babe for Garri at home o! all those i don't want to get fat and shii......hell no! i want it right now! i don't mind , i d rather be fat, than garri-less... yes!, it has gotten to that stage!

I go to social media and i see friends putting up pictures of 'Boleh and fish', beautifully baked Eba and Oha soup, Yam porridge, Fried Plantain and Beans, soaked Garri and groundnut...i die a little inside! i just automatically have a bad day and  for no reason quarrel that contact for some weeks, he or she wont have no idea what went wrong......o! please don't judge me till you wear my 6 inches heel!

You know how we keep attributing drinking Garri means you are poor? just shaaaat ap ya mouth! seriously shut up! because you have no idea! hmmm here ehn?  if you have Garri  na you rich pass, people they horde Garri like fuel, you wont even see it sef, not to talk of begging for it!,  yes we beg for Garri, so?? forget all the pictures we put on instagram and Facebook o! inside the house we know our problems... lol

The babes nko? no weavon or attachments to make hair....wool is now the other of the day, and the wool is sold in the sewing department, when they see us buying plenty, they will be wondering whether we want to knit a bed sheet with it. you brought some weavon or attachment form home and you find some one who is not even an expert in making hair, she will now charge you all your insurance just to make hair  that wont even  last plus the weather has already chopped off more than half of it sef! 

I stood in front of the mirror and held my hair...o boy! nothing remain o! plus people wey get weavon to sell wan finish my money just to buy o!, i looked around, found a scissors and there went my hair, #tomboy things! 

Things will never be the same again!

You know how we all dream of leaving home and traveling abroad.....any where at all, as long as we are no longer within the borders of our country, let it just be recorded in that big' imaginary' book of record that yes! me too i have gone abroad, and yes i saw all the the 'oyibo' people and did all the 'oyibo' people things too....mtcheew kai...chai.......  i swear no place like home at the end of  all the wishes and waka and travel o!

This country has shown me pepper!  No don't get me wrong o! it is very nice, organized, they have the structures(in the capital city), basic amenities and all the bla bla bla that an 'oyibo' country is expected to have,.
There is a joke back at home that there is no country in the world without a Nigerian( a Yoruba man-learning, and an Igbo man- doing business) if by chance you get to a country and find no Igbo man you should leave, because that place is was meant to be a joke till i got here, and then realized that was actually a parable not a joke! God, there is nothing here but education! i mean no 9ja food, no stores selling 9ja food stuffs, i looked at myself and knew that i was going to die in this weird country....i asked myself for the millionth time how did i get here? i was told to take pepper atleast o!, I was like, no point it would be there, even if it would be expensive, i will manage my money but i will see it to mum would say (ntoooor if she read this), if i cant even get pepper to make stew that means asking for Garri and red oil and Plantain or Yam is like asking for AC in hell!
 I know this is not the UK, but for the love of God , i'm not asking for much nah..... just pepper to cook stew so i can drown in rice and spaghetti!
They don't have all this things o! and yet they wont let a foreigner do business here! how in God's name will i read and understand and pass when hunger wants to murder me?  I cant live on potatoes and salad with 'soup'..( i didn't tell you? they have potatoes in abundance) they mash it, fry, boil, there is hardly any food that there is no potatoes i look like an infant to be eating mashed potatoes? did i suddenly loose my teeth at the Nigerian border? abi i forgot it under my pillow in 9ja? mtcheeeeeew!


I met some Nigerian's,and forget the warning from home, at this point i was just relieved to see some Nutella skin humans, they took me round the hostel, showing me the common places like kitchen, bathroom and toilet(lips are sealed on that issue) looool.

I managed to get through the night, the following day some of the niaja babes decided to take me shopping so i could get some essentials, that was when my biggest fear was confirmed, they told me that only 5% of the population speaks English, so i should get ready to first buy another phone because my  blackberry is not allowed per-se in the country and i cant ping with it, only to make and receive calls, so i needed a good phone so i can download 'Google translate', more so before i can buy a sim card, i would use my passport.

All this information was just coming too fast, there was no time to  assimilate or even ask questions, and then one of them asked me if i also gave the man at Minsk some money, i said yes, and they all laughed, saying i had fallen 'mugu'....everyone started recounting their own stories with the man, at that point i didn't know whether to feel stupid or not, because i heard of the person who gave 3k dollars and more, the best part? the guy has disappeared with our cash....vanished.....expired......vamoosed.....gone boom boom....evaporated( you can insert your own word) i couldn't believe that i was 'mugued' by a white man, i mean come on, i am a niaja babe, born and breed.....i just couldn't show my anger cos they were all laughing and telling me that my money wasn't even much (like that is supposed to make me recover my $2k ).

So i met with the real Agent from the school and he said i was to pay him his agent fee for taking me around and helping with registration and all, i just vex tell am sey anywhere wey him see the other guy, make him collect him cut, because thurnder no dey strike one place two times!' i think i scared him with my outburst of pidgin because he gave me a look i wont forget anytime soon and he never asked me for the money again!

2k dollars

Located in the Eastern part of Europe, Belarus is a land-lock country bordered by Russia, Ukraine and Poland, population- 5 million, currency-Rubble, official language- Rusky...

Let's just fast forward all the drama that went on before i eventually got to the country, and all the (H)advises i got from everyone most especially the one that i shouldn't trust any Nigerian because the ones that has gone has already spoilt the name of the country and they are in to all sorts of vices over there.
so i got to Minsk-the capital of Belarus, and a driver was already waiting to pick me up, his English wasn't so good, but i just felt maybe i was too tired from the long journey and maybe it was his accent, so he took us to a restaurant, ordered loads of pizza and told me that he wasn't my agent that he was sent just to pick me from the airport and drop in my school that my agent will be with us soon...yeah the(supposed) agent came and after we all ate he asked to be given 2k dollars, which should cover my T.fare to the city in which the school is located, my hostel fee, my medical checkup fee, his agent fee and the driver's fee...

Did i forget to tell you that my Naija Agent and Dad warned me not to give anyone money?....well by the time this two guys sternly told me that they would leave me at the airport, and i had to find my way to my school which was 4 hours by road, plus that they had already paid my hostel fee and medical fee, so i was actually indebted to them, so i had to pay  one way or the other, i had no choice, than to just bring the money and give to them. got to the school and guess what? another Agent was waiting for me there!

Finally got to my room, and lo and behold my 'oyibo' roommates don't understand shit in English..... i was just sitting on my bed( which they helped me make) and thinking how in the world did i leave my country to 'oyibo' land and the said 'oyibo' cant understand English??? good gracious God, what am i doing here??