Saturday, 2 August 2014

Not at home in my own 'home'

So this babe said any boy who wants to ask her out should come with plantain, yam, red oil and crayfish, that she wont only accept, she would move in with him and be his 'Ekaete in abroad' till they graduate, loooool, it is not funny tho! but that is how desperate people got.

Yes some people brought some foodstuffs( the ones immigration allowed you carry) but how long will it last nah? not to talk about 'olodo's ' like me that didn't even carry....

Forget  o! i used to form babe for Garri at home o! all those i don't want to get fat and shii......hell no! i want it right now! i don't mind , i d rather be fat, than garri-less... yes!, it has gotten to that stage!

I go to social media and i see friends putting up pictures of 'Boleh and fish', beautifully baked Eba and Oha soup, Yam porridge, Fried Plantain and Beans, soaked Garri and groundnut...i die a little inside! i just automatically have a bad day and  for no reason quarrel that contact for some weeks, he or she wont have no idea what went wrong......o! please don't judge me till you wear my 6 inches heel!

You know how we keep attributing drinking Garri means you are poor? just shaaaat ap ya mouth! seriously shut up! because you have no idea! hmmm here ehn?  if you have Garri  na you rich pass, people they horde Garri like fuel, you wont even see it sef, not to talk of begging for it!,  yes we beg for Garri, so?? forget all the pictures we put on instagram and Facebook o! inside the house we know our problems... lol

The babes nko? no weavon or attachments to make hair....wool is now the other of the day, and the wool is sold in the sewing department, when they see us buying plenty, they will be wondering whether we want to knit a bed sheet with it. you brought some weavon or attachment form home and you find some one who is not even an expert in making hair, she will now charge you all your insurance just to make hair  that wont even  last plus the weather has already chopped off more than half of it sef! 

I stood in front of the mirror and held my hair...o boy! nothing remain o! plus people wey get weavon to sell wan finish my money just to buy o!, i looked around, found a scissors and there went my hair, #tomboy things! 

Things will never be the same again!

You know how we all dream of leaving home and traveling abroad.....any where at all, as long as we are no longer within the borders of our country, let it just be recorded in that big' imaginary' book of record that yes! me too i have gone abroad, and yes i saw all the the 'oyibo' people and did all the 'oyibo' people things too....mtcheew kai...chai.......  i swear no place like home at the end of  all the wishes and waka and travel o!

This country has shown me pepper!  No don't get me wrong o! it is very nice, organized, they have the structures(in the capital city), basic amenities and all the bla bla bla that an 'oyibo' country is expected to have,.
There is a joke back at home that there is no country in the world without a Nigerian( a Yoruba man-learning, and an Igbo man- doing business) if by chance you get to a country and find no Igbo man you should leave, because that place is was meant to be a joke till i got here, and then realized that was actually a parable not a joke! God, there is nothing here but education! i mean no 9ja food, no stores selling 9ja food stuffs, i looked at myself and knew that i was going to die in this weird country....i asked myself for the millionth time how did i get here? i was told to take pepper atleast o!, I was like, no point it would be there, even if it would be expensive, i will manage my money but i will see it to mum would say (ntoooor if she read this), if i cant even get pepper to make stew that means asking for Garri and red oil and Plantain or Yam is like asking for AC in hell!
 I know this is not the UK, but for the love of God , i'm not asking for much nah..... just pepper to cook stew so i can drown in rice and spaghetti!
They don't have all this things o! and yet they wont let a foreigner do business here! how in God's name will i read and understand and pass when hunger wants to murder me?  I cant live on potatoes and salad with 'soup'..( i didn't tell you? they have potatoes in abundance) they mash it, fry, boil, there is hardly any food that there is no potatoes i look like an infant to be eating mashed potatoes? did i suddenly loose my teeth at the Nigerian border? abi i forgot it under my pillow in 9ja? mtcheeeeeew!


I met some Nigerian's,and forget the warning from home, at this point i was just relieved to see some Nutella skin humans, they took me round the hostel, showing me the common places like kitchen, bathroom and toilet(lips are sealed on that issue) looool.

I managed to get through the night, the following day some of the niaja babes decided to take me shopping so i could get some essentials, that was when my biggest fear was confirmed, they told me that only 5% of the population speaks English, so i should get ready to first buy another phone because my  blackberry is not allowed per-se in the country and i cant ping with it, only to make and receive calls, so i needed a good phone so i can download 'Google translate', more so before i can buy a sim card, i would use my passport.

All this information was just coming too fast, there was no time to  assimilate or even ask questions, and then one of them asked me if i also gave the man at Minsk some money, i said yes, and they all laughed, saying i had fallen 'mugu'....everyone started recounting their own stories with the man, at that point i didn't know whether to feel stupid or not, because i heard of the person who gave 3k dollars and more, the best part? the guy has disappeared with our cash....vanished.....expired......vamoosed.....gone boom boom....evaporated( you can insert your own word) i couldn't believe that i was 'mugued' by a white man, i mean come on, i am a niaja babe, born and breed.....i just couldn't show my anger cos they were all laughing and telling me that my money wasn't even much (like that is supposed to make me recover my $2k ).

So i met with the real Agent from the school and he said i was to pay him his agent fee for taking me around and helping with registration and all, i just vex tell am sey anywhere wey him see the other guy, make him collect him cut, because thurnder no dey strike one place two times!' i think i scared him with my outburst of pidgin because he gave me a look i wont forget anytime soon and he never asked me for the money again!

2k dollars

Located in the Eastern part of Europe, Belarus is a land-lock country bordered by Russia, Ukraine and Poland, population- 5 million, currency-Rubble, official language- Rusky...

Let's just fast forward all the drama that went on before i eventually got to the country, and all the (H)advises i got from everyone most especially the one that i shouldn't trust any Nigerian because the ones that has gone has already spoilt the name of the country and they are in to all sorts of vices over there.
so i got to Minsk-the capital of Belarus, and a driver was already waiting to pick me up, his English wasn't so good, but i just felt maybe i was too tired from the long journey and maybe it was his accent, so he took us to a restaurant, ordered loads of pizza and told me that he wasn't my agent that he was sent just to pick me from the airport and drop in my school that my agent will be with us soon...yeah the(supposed) agent came and after we all ate he asked to be given 2k dollars, which should cover my T.fare to the city in which the school is located, my hostel fee, my medical checkup fee, his agent fee and the driver's fee...

Did i forget to tell you that my Naija Agent and Dad warned me not to give anyone money?....well by the time this two guys sternly told me that they would leave me at the airport, and i had to find my way to my school which was 4 hours by road, plus that they had already paid my hostel fee and medical fee, so i was actually indebted to them, so i had to pay  one way or the other, i had no choice, than to just bring the money and give to them. got to the school and guess what? another Agent was waiting for me there!

Finally got to my room, and lo and behold my 'oyibo' roommates don't understand shit in English..... i was just sitting on my bed( which they helped me make) and thinking how in the world did i leave my country to 'oyibo' land and the said 'oyibo' cant understand English??? good gracious God, what am i doing here??

Saturday, 26 July 2014

The letter

Have you ever anticipated the arrival of  something so much that when it eventually came, it just broke your heart by the sight of it? well, that was what happened to me when THE MAIL eventually came.
i opened the attachment and there it was, the admission letter i had been expecting for a while now, Why am i not happy you ask? well i will tell you;

I looked at it for the trillionth time, and it was just the same to me, i couldn't figure it out, was it Egyptian scrolling?, Chinese? Indian? What in the world was that? i had no idea,... i closed the mail and looked at the caption, there it was in English 'Admission letter' so why then cant i read or understand the content of the letter? at  this point i was getting furious, this is just a typical example of ' A moment of joy turned to sorrow within the blink of an eye'

Why then did it come? is there any point forwarding such a mail to me?  why didn't he just send a mail saying 'the letter has come'? was he trying to pay me back for all the pressure i put on him to get me the admission?( of cos he wouldn't i was only urging him to do his job)these and so many more bounced around my mind, but there still was no answer!

Very well then, it is time to make calls, and remember friends that you haven't spoken to in a long time, form familiarity for a day, and hit them with your problems the following day( i know right? i learnt a lot from the social media) loool. so i made some calls, got a friend who (of cos) should know the language,,, and then i asked, do you still remember the language?( an innocent question) and he replied me in the language, if he was insulting me, i still till this day have no i forwarded the letter to him to help me translate ( i am yet to receive the translated copy (2 yrs now).
The 'He' mentioned above? - the Agent, the language?' Russian', the country? BELARUS.....What? you haven't heard of it? use Google map.... or better still just stick with me.....

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

The very beginning

I pick up  my blackberry bold 4 and look at the notification, it was a mail *mtcheeeew* it would be another one of those junk mails "Enhance your penis", "Last more than 30 mins in bed", "buy UK fairly used phones at cheap prices", "FCMB introduces market women savings account", "Study in Ghana Tuition free" etc, they are just so many i cant even keep up,how did they even get my mail address in the first instance?( Jamb Question, i know) lol, i was tired of those mails, i was also tired of anticipating.

The truth is i have been expecting an important mail for over 1 month now, this mail is the very  mail,it even got itself christened 'THE MAIL', you see, i would be going about my normal business and my Dad would ask has 'THE MAIL' come yet?, my cousin would ask same 'THE MAIL' don enter? this mail if it eventually arrives would change my life (for good i hope), i guess then it is safe to say 'We' were all anticipating.

I didn't bother to check the mail, i continued pinging via bbm, chatting via whatsapp, scrolling up and down Facebook wall,looking for videos to watch and probably pictures to 'add my name to the number of likes', and scrolling through twitter to know more about the latest trends in the society ( not like it concerns me in any way tho), but that has become my lifestyle for the past 3 months, i wake up and update my self from some popular blogs i follow, i go through  my mails, Bbm, Twitter,Whatsapp,Facebook, i eat,and then start from where i stopped on any of the social networks......Hey! don't judge! i know you do it too!

By 5 pm i was tired of social network, well truth be said nothing new had come for me check out, you know, you have to wait at least 1 hr for people to put up something for you to view, especially if you are always the 'viewee', so i went to my mail and there it was!!!!!! THE MAIL has entered!!!!!!!....BUT.........

The welcome

Hello(English), привет(pronounced privet) (russian)Tere(Estonian),how far(pidgin), wassup(slang), choose which ever works for you.

Seeing as the formalities has been observed, I will like to welcome you all to this blog,.
we dont have rules yet, so posts can come in any manner, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly( which I doubt) loool, we would agree on that as time goes on.

I am not a politician, so promises is not exactly my strong hold, but I can guarantee you reading.......the type of reading would however be judged by you, whether it be enjoyable or boring or I urge you to stick with me and let's find it out together.

I have some confessions to make;

1. I have no idea on rules of writing/blogging
2. Technology and I have a mutual understanding, we don't like each other.
3. I am lazy and I doubt anybody in the world procrastinates more than I do. loool
4. more confessions would come as we journey through.

lets take a break for now..... see you after lunch.

Пока (pronounced paka, meaning- bye for now),(russian).