Conundrum

 I am so confused right now, I have no idea how to go about this sticky situation. I left happy and determined to have this year to myself, to face whatever comes out of it bravely. I honestly did not expect him to beg so profusely, you know, considering all he said barely a month ago, I thought we were both ready to forsake it all and move on with our individual lives.

What I expected was for him to be wicked and cruel to me during the divorce proceedings, I expected for him to make life hard for me, I expected for him to try his best to make sure that I am removed from this country, you know as he always says,' No body will use him as a means to get a visa in Europe' , I was prepared and ready for a fight, I was ready to give him the ID card and leave Austria for him.

Now, barely a week after I left, he claims he would die, (yet waking up each day), he claims if I do not return his life will be meaningless.

I mean I understand clearly that the MAJOR  reason he needs me back is so that the business will run till his bankruptcy hearing is over (I know this for a fact), heck he has even mentioned it a little over 100 times. yet he somehow manages to confuse himself by saying he will close the business once I return.

I have gone through the law of Divorce here, and as it may be, I am not even qualified for anything, probably not qualified to be granted a divorce, as I have not legally stayed here for up to three years, though I have been married longer than that.

I have listened to him beg and beg for my return, and I am a little convinced that this time, change will happen entirely from his part, but what about from my end? will anything change ? doesn't it take two to Tango? I am unwilling to give up everything I stand for just to make a marriage work, worse still, the marriage has ended on my part, I do not want to have sex with him at all. I have been so scarred that the thought of sex with him disgusts me.

This I have mentioned to him, (not the disgust part obviously), but the not having sex part, and he has generously agreed that there will not be any sex till I am ready, that we will get to know each other better this time around, I do not believe him on that, seeing as the majority of our quarrels are due to the fact that he wants sex everyday. nobody changes over night .

Do I go and give this one last trial run as well as living here married for three years as the law says, till the time is due and I can leave?

will I be able to pretend for one more year till the business is dissolved and my name is debt free?

I am a bad liar! everyone will see through me and this shit will blow up in my face right before my visa expires and I will be left stranded.

Come back for my sake.

 It is exactly a week today I left my marriage and my home and took shelter in the women's house. he has been calling non stop pleading his case as to why I need to return to the marriage for the following reasons:

1. He was not in control of his actions, someone was manipulating him with spiritual means, making him to be abusive and wicked towards his wife, that same person or persons is determined to make his marriage unsuccessful.

2. His bankruptcy case, If I leave the marriage, it would be very detrimental to his bankruptcy hearing in court.(honestly, I don't know how this affects the marriage, because I have been the sole benefactor in this marriage, the company we run is in my name, he earns his salary from there, household bills are paid from company account)

3. His age and history, it would be a shame from his family members who did not want the marriage to take place in the first place to find out that he is getting divorced for the third time. people will look at him as unable to keep a marriage.

4. He will not have the family 2.0 so to speak that he desires, with his history of all his children being raised by their mothers without him present, he wants to raise a family with me to prove to his Exes that his current family and children are better because they have both parents under same roof.

I have been used, I realized now that his sole mission in marrying me is to prove that he is better than his exes who are busy raising children that bears his name. I do not want to be the one who will give a man a redo family, if it means it is out of spite to someone else. 

My kids will not be spoken about or seen to be been better than their siblings simply because they were raised in a household with both parents. I am that child that was raised in a household with one biological parent and I know for a fact what demons I carry and how I see my other siblings who had both parent growing up.

New Era

 Oh mai Gwaad!

did i tell you that we are now officially divorced?

can you believe it?, we left that fucker!

we actually survived that toxic enviroment.

between just us two, no one would believe the shit that went down inside that home. well, except for Felicity, tho she left early enough to safe herself (of that we are very grateful). but damn! the things we had to go through all in the name 'staying and being Married'.

we have a life now girl!. we do. and we are happy with it. i promise you !. we have made friends, acquaintances, colleagues, whatever you wanna label them as, but we are no longer lonely and we are happy thats the most important shit!.

it hasnt been an easy journey to get to where we are today, we had to live in a women's shelter for a few months, got an apartment from the shelter, lost our job for 6months, couldnt keepup with rent, now we have a job albeit shitty (night shift), but we are happy for the future looks bright.

we  would talk about this in a longer post, with more details.

always remember to stay safe.

I am not like the other women.

It was the end of July, a day which started out probably just ok, ended with me being in the emergency room.

I returned from work as usual by 11.35pm, showered and went to bed, husband man was awake and waiting for his sleeping pills a.k.a Me. I pretended not to understand the situation and just went under the covers for a well deserved rest.

He scooched closer and tried to initiate sex, I backed farther away and told him I needed to rest and so does he, he protested that he hasn't been able to sleep well since my friend came around (she had by this time left two days prior), and I said, one more night wouldn't kill him, she should 'half' sleep how he had been doing in the last week, he protested again, reminding me my position as woman in the society, but all I heard was 'you are my sleeping pill, and I need you to sleep'

This angered me and of cause word battle began, he tried to force himself on me and I fought back while repeating to him that I am not like the other women before me or the stereotypical women he watches in Nigerian movies, I will not cower to the ground shielding my face while the man uses me a fitness exercise instrument, I will fight back however i can and with every strength in me, resulting in a full blown physical combat which resulted in destroying of the room, bump on my forehead and a trip to the emergency room.

When the physical altercation was over, I dressed up, went outside and called the police. their arrival was the only reason his daughter who was in the adjacent room was aware of what went down. He wasn't found at home when they arrived, but was told to not return to the house for 2 weeks, (surely I didn't obey this law, because it is in my nature to keep giving, so I only let him stay out for 2 nights) 

When he returned home, he blamed Jennifer for my action, remember Jennifer? from the previous post, the one who is divorced, my friend from Tallinn, I asked him if Jennifer asked him to hit me or if she told me to fight back if my husband tried to force himself on me, and if she didn't tell me that, does it mean I would have allowed him rape him if I didn't have Jennifer in my life? needless to say Jennifer's reputation in my marriage got to an all time low, barely three days after leaving my house.

I had to make a report down at the station  two days after the incident, and I was asked if I wanted to keep the record of what happened incase of a divorce in the future, and I said No, that I wasn't planning on having a divorce, that this would not happen again that the report should be trashed (in hindsight, this was a foolish decision).

There hasn't been further physical violence, but phycological, emotional and financial violence are in the struggle for the first place.

They see you smiling on pictures and posting memes all the time, they have no idea that your mental health has cancer.

What is it with Jennifer?

 I met this Nigerian girl in 2015 in Tallinn, she claims to be an expert in making cute hair styles, we got to know each other and she happens to come from same region in Nigeria as me, so of course we became more than stylist and customer, we became friends.

When she had a baby in 2016, I was there all through it, I was helping her through the first week of post child birth while writing my thesis in her house as well, needless to say her Son has a special part in my heart. Fast-forward 2018, I got married moved to a different country. but we still maintained the relationship. 

In 2014 I met another Nigerian, though we weren't from same region or even same religion, we clicked, she became my person in words and in deed. she knew my struggles and I hers we travelled Europe together she was there for me and I her, In fact after graduation we lived together briefly before I left the country.

Imagine my surprise in 2018 when I heard two of my special friends were having a fall out over rumors' and lies, I was caught in the middle, I received calls from both parties each pleading their case (was this a test on my capacity as a lawyer who hasn't practiced for a long time?) I didn't know how to handle it, and both of them refused to join me in group call to sought it out.

I know it was hard for both of them being in the same country and probably running into each other at the mall, on the bus etc., while fighting, but heck was it hard for me too being in the middle of all that but not physically present and not being able to decipher who speaks the truth and where who went wrong yet expected to pick sides.

My newly married husband without concrete intel to prior knowledge of my relationship with either of them, choose side and expected me to follow up with his decision and cut ties with the other party that he found guilty in his judgment.

Surely he was quick to learn that no one makes decision for me about who to be with.(You would think he should know this, seeing as no one made me marry him) till date he still carries that 'insubordination' of mine into every instance.

In 2021, I went to Tallinn briefly, but before I did, while discussion my accommodation plans, he refused that I stayed with the friend who he found wanting in his judgment from the quarrel earlier mentioned, but the other party wasn't living in Tallinn anymore or even in Europe for that matter. Anyways, I didn't have much of a choice, I stayed with the available friend.

Few months after my visit to Tallinn, the said friend decided to reciprocate my visit and use same opportunity to visit the Alps, so she came to spend some time at my place. unknowing to her that my husband had made an enemy of her before even meeting her and she was walking into the enemy's liar. I however did my best to make her stay very comfortable and he did his best to avoid her as much as he could until she left.

Right after she left, an argument ensued and he mentions that she is a negative influence to me, that he has told me severally to stop speaking to her and I have vehemently refused, that he knows for a fact that any woman that is divorced will not advice another to stay in a marriage and that if I continue to have her as a friend, eventually I would follow in her footstep. this fact comes up in marriage issues all the time it has become number 1 point in every argument.

I found his words offensive, in three ways;

1. It connotes that I am easily swayed, that I do not think for myself, or possibly do not have the capacity to think for myself, therefore I rely on friends to tell me how to live my life.

2.That he is in control of me and I am meant to only take his own advice, that his words are the best advice in the world, and that by marrying me, he gets to control my circle of friends.

3. He thinks I would cut a relationship with a friend just because she is divorced and thereby join the section of Nigerians who think her evil for standing up for herself in an abusive marriage and knowing when to leave.

I decided to finally ask him why he hates her so much, is it because she is divorced, or is it because her Ex husband wasn't able to send her back to Nigeria after the divorce, and he mistakenly blurted out that he knew her from way before and he is just surprised she didn't recognize him or she is acting like she doesn't know him. but he has only ever mentioned that he knows her brother who grew up in a different region than she did, the two siblings grew up miles apart.

Therefore it is logical that they have different circle of friends, and if her brother mentioned his sister to you once, doesn't mean she is supposed to remember you years later.

Hence the tittle of this post.

The Endings

So, yesterday 25th March 2020, after over a month of not speaking to each other and after over 3 weeks of him taking off his wedding ring he decided he wanted to "talk" reason being that, "let it be known that he tried to sort things out". Smh.

He asked to know what my plans are concerning this marriage and the way things are going.
I told him I had no plans.
He went on to say that what I said the last time(that he raped me) was an abomination where he comes from. That it was unheard of. It doesn't happen anywhere in the world that a man rapes his wife.
That for me to have said that, means that "I am one of them"
I enquired to know what "being one of them meant" and he said I am "one of those people out there that will use that against him in court when seeking for a divorce".

It hurt me to hear him even so much as voice how low he thinks of me.
But again, I recalled how just few days before he was talking to his relative in Russia, who was telling him about his "wife's" (I put that on quote because he needs the woman to give him a residency, I don't know if it is a contract marriage or he is just using her) attitude towards him. And my husband right in front of me and his daughter cautioned him not to even think about trying to go for a black woman. That our hearts are as dark as our skin that we are very very wicked.
He went on to say how he has made a lot of mistakes in his life, that the boy should remember that the reason his first marriage to the white woman failed was because she said 3 children was enough for her and she wasn't going to try for another. And his family took offence and said it was impossible for him not to have a son, that if she doesn't want to have any more children, then she should go. And go she went.( now I never heard this part of the story before , not like he has ever come out to tell me what went wrong anyway, all he said was she came back to Europe withdrew all his money and filed for divorce).

He complained so much about how bad the black woman is to the extent that the guy on the phone had to "jokingly" ask him (in Igbo) hope all is well in his house, this one he is talking like this. He quickly tried to cover it up by saying it was due to what someone said (one of the pro Biafran person in the USA).
The way I was embarrassed ehn, I cant even put it to writing, Imagine the belittling.

I digress... back to main gist
He talked about how I once told him that I tried for a year with my ex and couldn't conceive, (the lie about this ex never stops, relation that lasted only 3 months, but i believed we were so in love that we spoke about our future, and that is what he keeps twisting and bringing up in every argument.)

 how I also once told him that if he annoys me that I will make him regret (Abeg, if someone annoys you, how are you supposed to react? do you become a comedian and make their life more pleasant? or you express your anger?). That it is also possible that I have been secretly taking contraceptives so as not to have a child. 

I told him that I have never had the leisure of having extra or even any cash on me in this marriage? So where will I have gotten money to buy contraceptives?  Secondly that you need a doctor's prescription to buy one of those, of which he negated.  I told him, I don't know of the law here, but in Estonia you must.

My tired is Tired!, I must have obviously been a slaver or a commander in Hitler's army in my past life to deserve this life now.

The Fall out.

After weeks of being angry at each other, he decide to speak to me last night.
started off with,

 "It is better to speak about certain issues, that he was genuinely hurt and he would like to let me know. the last time we had sex, since then he had been watching me to know what I really want, and that he can clearly see that I do not want a child. that he very much wants one, and that is why he keeps coming to me for sex, that a married couple seeking for a child should not be begging the other partner for sex , which is what he seems to be doing in this marriage. and now my ovulation window for this month (march) has passed and I didn't even bother to come to him for sex, that he knows for a fact from hear say from people that it is the woman who comes to the  man to get her pregnant. unless there is something you are not telling me".

"You see period for 10 days in a month, nothing wrong in me having sex the remaining 20 days of the month.it is not how it is done, when you marry, you give your husband sex, anytime he asks for it. do you want me to go outside and ask for sex? something I swore never to do in marriage?",

My reply;
The thing that happened between us the last time wasn't sex! it was RAPE!! you cannot tell me that you had sex with your wife when her back was turned towards you, her hands firmly in-between her legs  as she is rolled up like a ball in bed.
I have told you time and again, that you need to respect my body, I give you sex 5 times a week, and the day I say no, you should keep your penis to yourself for that night, this is both a threat and a warning! I am tired of being used as a sleeping pill. make love to your wife if you want to have a child, don't force yourself on her.
I am not a prostitute, I have feelings too, when you have sex with your wife, at least allow her cum once in every 5 times, it is not too much to ask, stop making me feel used, I cant feel like that the rest of my life.
I will not die during pregnancy or childbirth just because you need a child, you know all the issues I have, I need to see a doctor to put me in the clear that this pain in my umbilically cord will not be the death of me during pregnancy, you know for sure that I have anemia and I almost always don't have enough blood to sustain me not to talk of sustaining another life, I am supposed to be on folic acid at least 12 weeks before conception or immediately I find out I am pregnant so that I will not give birth to a child with brain or cerebral malfunction, ( I have been reading a lot and listening to many seminars, I know for a fact from qualified doctors, that if you have been making love constantly for a year and no pregnancy, then you should see a fertility specialist, we have been together for 3 years now,  I haven't even seen a Dermatologist, not to talk of a Gynecologist, so what do do you think?)

I believe that the problem is from me, not  to be stereotypical, but you already have children, so if you have a case of infertility, then it would be secondary, those type are not difficult to solve, but I have never been pregnant my entire life thus, mine would be primary infertility.

Seeing as this visa issue is not getting sorted out anytime soon, and I know your schedule, it is difficult for you to work around from office to office to get things done, if I per adventure get pregnant now, I would either die in the pregnancy or give birth to a deformed child because I would not have had any  prenatal vitamins.
All in all I need to see a doctor ASAP. I am not saying if the pregnancy comes I would be sad, but it hasn't come in the 3 years we have been together, and I know for a fact again, that I need a doctor. these painful menstruations that I have is not normal, I was treating it when I lived like a human in Tallinn.

Him;
So you are saying that all these while, you planned/never wanted to get pregnant before your visa issue is sorted out?

Me;
it is ok to sieve and select what you want to hear, but I have said what I said.

Him;
I know where this is heading to, I will cut it before it gets there.

Me;
*********
Why do men always think if they say, you aren't giving me sex, I will go outside and get , and expect the woman is to tremble?, Jesus!
do they also know that the woman could be sexually frustrated and can also get admirers and seek out sexual satisfaction from men outside? it is not feminism, it is reciprocity.


Also, I think the kind of life my husband lived after his first divorce is still inherent in him, like he just fucked women for the pleasure of himself, now he married me, and I refused to be treated like that i.e. trash!

 I too want to fuck and cum!

IT WAS A FIGHT

 August 2021, just few days after my visitor from Tallinn left, he lashed out again asking for Sex when I Cleary wasn't up for it, but he wouldn't take no for an Answer, so we fought. 

I refuse to be a victim, so I wouldn't say he beat me, because the fight ended when he couldn't breath due to my tight grip of the neck chain to his neck. if he was beating me up, then I would have been cowering on the floor or on the bed with my hands protecting my face, so NO! IT WAS A FIGHT.

Felicity was the sitting room no idea what was going on, after it was over, I dressed up, went outside to use the city´s free Wi-Fi, to connect and call the police.

He was out of the house by the time they arrived., I was taken to the emergency room for check up and when he was found, he was asked to stay out the house for 2 weeks.

The next day I went and opened a personal bank account, I had recently just gotten a job and the idea was for my salary to be paid to his account, but after the head butting I received , do yo blame me for rushing to bank to get my own private account?

He called my Mum and she interceded on his behalf, with the reason that we don't have that much money so the little we have shouldn't be spent on hotel bills.(I know that those were his words coming out of her mouth, but I overlooked it)

I never really lived down this incident, the new slogan in every quarrel is that my friend is influencing negatively, and that because I have gotten and Austrian visa and a Job, I feel like "I have arrived" in other words, I feel content,, and my pride has soared high. He never believes that I have the capacity to be angry over things, so whenever I express anger, he looks for someone or something to blame.(someone must have told me to be angry at him and act in a certain way), it angers him that that ´nonexistent´  someone isn't him, as far as he is concerned, the only person allowed to influence me, is him. he hasn't forgiven me for opening that bank account.(not like anybody is asking for his forgiveness though), that always finds its way to out weekly arguments.

When two people  realize that they made an error by marrying, why does it matter what fake friends and family think if you get a divorce? Someone should tell Anthony this please, he may listen if it is coming from someone other than me.

(

The Endings 2

Today 26th March 2020 I told him that I feel like he isn't listening to me , or that he listens but just blantly doesn't want to hear me, that i feel unheard in this relationship.  Because last night after i had gone to bed like 2 or 3 hrs later, when he was done with his laptop, he was unable to sleep and decided to wake me up from my sleep to have sex , I reminded him that I am still on my period.
So today I told him that, if he had been listening to me he would have known that I said I hated the fact that he uses me as sleeping pills. I hate those kind of sex that he will just fuck to sleep , I hate it more so that he has to wake me up for it, so he can sleep. It make me feel like I am just an object.

I told him also that I had a plan. Get the 5 years residency from Estonia, go back to Nigeria, frequent Europe and 6-7months to when the resident permit is about to expire I come back and get a job and use that to renew the permit for another 5 yrs. But then he came along and promised me heaven on earth and asked me to return to Europe, which I did. Unknowingly he didnt have his life figured out.

When i asked him about his divorce certificate, he told me they don't issue one in Austria, what they do instead is tear up the marriage license.  (As a lawyer I should have known better) but I couldn't argue with him. he has lived here for over 20 years and the laws here ain't same as the laws in Nigeria, so I believed him. My dad asked him same thing and he gave same response,(so much for being Lawyers, my Dad and I).

Only for me to be here and after marriage in Nigeria, his ex wife came to court with our wedding pictures (how she got those, still baffles me), he had to lie that those were engagement pictures not marriage.   I wondered why she would do that if they were divorced but alas he was only separated.
I complained about the marriage he had with Joy too (which btw he has said little or nothing about) telling him that, it only means I married someone's husband.  If he is done with her, he should go and collect the bride price back( which is our traditional way of divorce).
A few days later, I then heard him making a call to that effect ,i.e. asking them to go and collect the bride price back, I don't know if it ever happened or not, because talking about her is an abomination in this house) so, if that call was not a scam or a trick for me, then it  means he truly married her, and he lied to me that he didn't .

So I said, if he had cleared up his plate before meeting me, or if he had told me the truth from the beginning I wouldn't be in this country three years with no Visa.  That if I had only 1 yr or less residency within the EU/Schengen member state, then I don't know how I would have managed to still be here till now. surely, they would have deported me as they did Joy, who I found out stayed with him till her visa from France expired.

He constantly uses the fact that I planned with with my ex as a point in every quarrel relating to my inability to have a child for him, I told him that I didn't live with Desmond for unto a year just 2.5 months but that I went off the pills for 1 month to try and see if I could get pregnant, but thank God I didn't because after he left Estonia a white girl came to me telling me she has a son for him.

Also that he mentioned yesterday that my dad asked him if we have been together for atleast 1 yr. As he said yesterday that if we had dated, we wouldn't be here today. And I affirmed to it. That if I knew the things I knew now if we dated , I wouldn't have married him.

That's my reply to his question of yesterday as to what I wanted from this marriage.
And he said so we should end it?
And I replied

YES PLEASE:

GROWING UP ERICA 1

hello invisible fans of mine );
 this is going to be a long series of the adventures and sayings of my bonus child.(make of it what you want).

I should apologize for taking almost a 2 year break, but i have been through the seven hells and back, and sorry i cant possible tell you all the sh*t that went down, (those would be in my autobiography)because frankly, my so-called fan base don't exist, and i as usual dealing with my imaginary life of a celebrity. so, sorry but not sincerely.

After the marriage to shatz, i was blessed with with a bonus child, a full blown teenager, an intelligent, beautify bi-racial brown skin girl who knowingly, or otherwise keeps me sane.

just a little background on this human yet mystical creature, she was born here in Austria, then at the age of 4, they relocated to Nigeria, where she stayed back, even though her parents returned back to Austria.

she grew up with her Aunt and cousins and as a norm, went to a boarding school, she finished her primary and high school education in Nigeria, after which, she returned back to Austria to live with her Dad and I.

I didn't know what to expect of her, cos i barely knew her, i had previously met her in Nigeria when we went for the traditional marriage rites, but it was quite brief and not an appropriate setting to get to know her, and this madam was already taller than me at just 15 years of age! (thanks mum, for being to stingy to share your height).

I was anyways legitimately happy that her upbringing was done in Nigeria, in other words, they must have instilled home training and good upbringing in her, that is not to say that she will not be unruly sometimes or act out (these were expected for sure)but just like i did while growing up myself with more than 1 step mothers and living with family members and grandmothers of blessed memory, the acting out was done behind the adult's back.(God forbid that i talk back to an adult, well only of cause if i wanted to join my grandfather in the other life)

I digress...

In a little over 2 years that i have know her, i am grateful for being able to share in her journey and watch her become the woman she was destined to become.

this is just a little intro, i will feed you on all the adventures i have had to enjoy alone with this little (well big) human.

Shaty.

Oh Yes!
Sitting at home and reflecting!
Love! oh yes, Love!
who is that?, who is it? as we say in Igbo language (Love ö wo onye ebe?)
The daughter of Chizi-Woko has no idea,
I know for certain 'it' found me,
No i wasn't searching,
I wasn't putting myself out there,
I wasn't even going to look,
I had no plans to prepare myself for anyone else,
I had given up (for the time being),
I just wanted to not be found,
And yet what happened?
He fished me out from the crowd,
Showed me how i should have been treated,
Showed me why it didn't work out with anyone else,
Made me smile so much, i have a new face lift without Botox,
Gave a reason to trust and love,
Gave me a home,
Oh yes he did give me a home,
A home indeed!
My home!
#Married!.

The other side of Life.

That one minute of near death experience we get when we cant find our cell phones in our handbag is nothing compared to when you actually stop breathing and all that is going on through your head is 'Dear God don't let me die in Ireland, so Far away from home'.

So the gist is, i traveled to Ireland, (against advises from friends)because who listens to advises right?, but the point is not the travelling part, the point is the consequences that could arise from the trip... OK, i will give you the whole gist.

I fell ill, very ill, that it was impossible to carry on normal daily activities, like properly digesting food and bending down to lift objects even so much as to tie up shoe laces (i have to sit and twist my leg 90 degrees  to fit it in), what was the cause , you ask? umbilical hernia, who knew that was a thing? turns out the intestine (i don't know which, whether small or large) was sticking itself through my belly button (probably looking for a way out, i guess my insides don't like me that much they have to find a way to escape) and this resulted to a swelling (hernia).

Went to the doctor's and it had to be fixed, a mesh was placed inside to cover the hole, so that the hernia would not come back again,(hopefully this procedure works). Tallinn been a wonderful place that it is, the doctor didn't have much to say to me pre and post surgery (i guess he felt everything is on the internet and i can damn well read, if i want to), i had no idea what to expect, how to take care of me, what to eat, what not to do etc, i was left to my fate.

So you see why i traveled? because i didn't get any doctors advice to do or not to., any which way, i went and at exactly 12 am on the same day of my arrival, when everyone had gone to bed, i ran short of breath, it was very painful and difficult to inhale, needless to say , by 12;30 the ambulance was at the doorstep and soon enough i was at the hospital, and there my friend, began my Irish vacation, i went through  series and series of test!

The most scaring part was when i was transferred from ER to the cancer ward! because at first they couldn't figure out what exactly was going on in my insides, and i was vomiting a lot, so one student nurse (i'd like to think, that she is one) decided that i was showing early symptoms of a cancer patient. this same nurse by the way was unable to find a vein to draw my blood, she stabbed the life off my both hands, like i still have the spilled blood under my skin (a week after) it was that bad.

I was advised to remain in Ireland for another two weeks before returning to Estonia, but i'm a poor tourist, i was already scared of the medical bill (turns out the treatment was free, i only had to pay for the night spent, sort of like the bed space used, or if i can provide my European Health Insurance Card, then it be covered.) i was treated and discharged with no one telling me how to or how much to pay, (they take the Easter celebration pretty serious, as all offices were on holidays), i had to go back 4 days later to inquire about the medical bill, (i love Ireland).

Tallinn beckoned and i heeded, i'm back to my boring and lonely life... but the evil spirit in me still want to travel... sigh! what to do with myself?

I know this story was cut half and half and a lot taken out, but you know that state where you have a lot to say at the same time that , you just say way less? that's me right now.!

i'm woman

that moment when you get your heart broken into several uncountable pieces...
it its not like these things just happen, we have already perceived it from miles away, we know when someone is shady and lying and hiding things, we know when a story is not straight, we know when you slip and choke on your words, we know what response you would give to every question, even before you say it.
why then do we get to listen to your cheap, uncoordinated stories of lies? are we stupid? weak? or just silly? it is my conviction as a woman that we listen to you because we expect that you wouldn't embarrass yourself and lie, we give second and 15th chances not because we cant get your sorry ass outta the way, nope! its cos its in our nature to nurture, and with that instincts, we also let a grown man fool himself hoping that redemption would knock on your heart soon.
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the above draft was written a year ago, for a moment i couldn't remember what exactly happened on the said day, but i went back to my album and got all the reminder i needed,
the crazy part is that i still feel same way now, because not much has changed, the lies are still there, the uncoordinated stories are still there, i still have fresh evidences, but why am i still holding on? haven't i reached the limit of 2nd chances that should be given? (abi dem do me from my village ni?) first draft it was " fake youlia" now it is Margaret...
i will keep this draft and see maybe next year will be a Sandra or Folakemi.
i don't want to talk about how i feel (stupid because i opened this blog to talk about my feelings, but they are just too much in a messed up place right now, so i'm going to just shut up and watch)
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I am woman hear me roar, in numbers to big to ignore, and i know too much to go back and pretend, (Helen Reddy).
they say, you know you are healed when you can truly laugh about the things that once hurt you,(i guess i am then)
you see, the first part of this was written a year ago, the second was written December last year, and this is march 2017.... time sure does make things seem vain.

An After Taste of TLU.

I cant sleep....

This has been going on since i returned from Nigeria two weeks ago (yes i went home!)...

No.... i am not thinking of anything (well nothing in particular, just random thoughts)....

I need sleep like yesterday, i have Prada ( eye)bags now on both eyes (not funny)....

I have written and deleted , my head is just full of so much to rant about....

So to night i got angry all over again, why you may ask?

 well let me analyse this for you....

 Nigeria was colonized by the British in the early 1900's, before they came we had our own different indigenous languages, they need a means to communicate so they forced down English on us, and ever since then, English has been the major language spoken so much as to earn it the right as the official language of the country.

I was born in the late 1980's so technically the language i was taught was English, i have lived over 25 years on this earth speaking, writing and breathing English Language.

While trying to gain admission to pursue my masters degree, i came across this country called Estonia, i met all the requirements to gain me an admission, but they claimed i had to write an English Language exam, i refused, explained to them that i speak better English than 90% of the people in the country, so i sent a letter from my home university stating that i studied my undergrad program in English and that my English is sound.

 Forward to the last semester before graduation, they came up again with the rule that i had to actually write that English exam and get a certain score (seriously cant remember what score exactly they wanted) but needless to say i took the IELTS and scored way above what they wanted.

Fast forward again to last week when i got a call from home to send my degree, and that was when i realized it was in Estonian Language, (NB; my two years program was taught in English, and not very good English from some lecturers, if i may say.)

 I contacted school to know why my certificate was in Estonian, considering i was in an English program, and after been transferred from one person to the other, it turns out the only explanation was that the certificate comes from the government not the university and as thus they cant make the government produce an English copy.

 This got me riled up because, i have family members who have also studied in Europe, and they were all given two copies of the certificate, one in English and the other in the countries Language.

 i had to go through the rigors of getting it translated (quite expensive i must add) and they couldn't even honor me by giving a signature from the university.

The troubling questions now are;

Why is Estonia different?

why do they have to insist on English Language exam before admission?

why is it a prerequisite to pass an English test before graduating?

why been taught in English and given Estonian certificate?

Why is it even more difficult to get the certificate translated by the university?

Why cant the university, ministry of education or 'the government' accept to get a translated and notarized copy signed and stamped?

I am still mad, because when i go back home, i have to present an A4 computer print out as my certificate from 'Abroad', it is going to be difficult to convince people that truly what i am showing them is a certificate, it is even difficult convincing myself.

Maid in Tallinn

I got this summer job as a housekeeper in a Hotel, it was meant to be a job to renew my residence permit, it did just that, but it took all my time, i now have a standard routine, i cant hang with friends (not that i have much) i dont have time to write on blog, i barely have time to watch the T.V. i am constantly exhausted, i am always worn out and tired, but since i have no time to get a better job i am stuck in this one (this is probably where i die). 

it would be written on my tomb stone - here lies the body of a near beautiful lady who cleaned her way to death in swisotel. (and to think i just thought of that now,,,tsk tsk tsk)

maybe just like the movie 'Maid in Manhattan' i 'm yet to meet my prince charming, so i shouldn't give up hope yet, just keep cleaning and you will get it sarims!.

Boy, have i seen strange things, knock three times, announce your entrance, and the guest deems it appropriate to come out butt naked, because it is too much trouble for him to wrap a towel around himself, or was it the one time when one guest thought it would be appropriate for me come 'take care of his personal needs' lol, 

one guest thought all i needed that day was a compliment, so after appreciating my beauty and elegance, he thought i would just jump on him and reciprocate with a kiss, (no he didn't think, he actually expected it, ooh, you should have seen the disappointment on his face)

Today is my off day, and i would like to catch some sleep, i will be back with more swiss adventures hopefully before the year runs out.

The city of love (Romance)

It  had me! i was captivated, i was awed! i was staring but not seeing, i was drooling, literally with my mouth open and saliva dropping down my slightly parted lips, i was in love (again). dont get me wrong, it wasn't the most magnificent thing i have seen, but i think it was just the timing and my mind set, plus the feeling of accomplishment (you see, i have been looking forward to this trip for a very long time.)
 it was an amazing journey until i needed some assistance, then it dawned on me that once again i'm in Europe, and English is not exactly there strong suit.(smh)
so i stayed in this fancy Hostel, not too far from the Airport, the reason i chose this hostel was because they had a shuttle to and from the Airport,( i didn't want to get ripped off by Airport Taxi's, seeing as it was my first time in Paris), the shuttle also takes you to the nearest train station where you can get a train to the city certain, it was just perfect for me.
 i have traveled a lot, but this was the first time i was travelling to a big city Alone, i got lost one too many times in the train station, but i felt at home with all the black faces around (it was nothing like Tallinn) so i knew it didn't really matter i can always ask around for my way.(my first disappointment)
Anyways when i got a hang of my way around, i had fun, it was a great week, i did everything (you can imagine i would do) a tourist would do , i visited every nook and crannies, i took late night walks, i drank wine with strangers, i was elated, it was trip i would like to re live.

One year gone!

Hello People,

It's a new year, its a new life and i'm feeling good.... 

First, i must apologise, its been a year already people, on e whole year since i last visited, you can be certain a lot has happened.. where do i even start from? 

I have fallen in and out of love , 

I have played parent and kid role,

I have finally finished that Thesis and graduated,

I got a job,(nothing fancy)

I have lived in three different locations in the past year,

 Yes i traveled too (that  is the most important, and boy! did a lot happen on that trip)

It has been one crazy life since the last time i was here...

 I have lost friends (well, people i thought were my friends)

I know you want to hear about it, but no worries i will dish.

How do you differentiate Nigerians

I sat on my chair and surfing the net to gather as much info as i possibly can before lunch time, and m y colleague decides to engage me in a discussion about Nigeria, on a normal day, i don't like to discuss the country, because lets face it, everyone already knows 'there is always killing in that country' but for the 'informed', 'Boko haram is at it again in Nigeria' those are the kind of opening discussions i get all the time when people want to talk about Nigeria, but he is my colleague and he is expected to have at least 50% knowledge of sub-Saharan African countries, because that is his division here at work anyway, so i was happy to be intrigued by his knowledge on my dear Nigeria.

So we talked and then he asked how i get to identify people from Nigeria, considering the fact that we have so many ethnic regions and language, (let me tell you this, i was already impressed, because he knows some of the ethnicity that people don't care to know, i know i don't.) so i explained about the Yoruba tribal marks, the accent which you must depict when any one speaks, the fact that every region has an alphabet deficiency and with that you can know who are speaking with... blab bla bla.

Then we went into the most notable people or significant people from Nigeria, he named a guy from my tribe, who is now a Swedish citizen, but he is famous in Estonia as he comes often for concert and stuff, i don't even know the guy, (thanks to google)i did a quick search and learnt what i ought to have known 'as a Nigerian' lol. it was interesting as he talked about so many people, i then told him a very famous writer would be coming to Tallinn sometime in June , i have this information because her book is been translated to Estonian language, and some parts where she used phrases from my native dialect, i 'm helping to get that translated. he was so elated and would like to read her book and maybe get to meet her when she comes.

The conversation took a downturn when he asked about sports, (i should have known this was coming) he talked about how famous my national team is, and that so many of the players are in some major European leagues, i affirmed because this is basic knowledge, but i have no idea who is who, and what football league they play for, (as we say in Nigeria, ''i don fall hand'' which means i disappointed him), he went ahead to name names, and which league they play or played for, and that he went to the UK once to watch and got an Autograph from Kanu Nwankwo, lol... 

This reminded me of when i visited Riga and i was engaged on a conversation about Nigerian football players and i didn't know most of them or their names just skipped my mind, i had to literally apologize to the dude and promised him that i would learn more about them in case someone ever asked me, (i obviously didn't)

Well, having said all this, i will go back and get acquainted with my roots and get interested on things that seem irrelevant to me, but are of worth to others, i mean with all the bad press, it is welcoming to hear that some people have faith in other aspects of Nigeria apart from its political bullshit and terrorist activities. 

US Visa

The quest to travel around and see the world, the itchy feeling you get when you are restricted by boarder control or by obtaining visa or even just by life itself. this is the time when your brain starts somersaulting with so many ideas, you surf the net and you are bombarded with beautiful exotic places you ought to be.

A friend decided to travel to the states this spring break, i helped her, we went online and got all the necessary visa requirements, she prepared all the documents, and we went into filling the form. the questions where just hilarious, i expected more from the great nation, comon! would i really answer yes to the questions 'are you a terrorist or do you plan any terrorist attacks during your visit to the United States, or do you fund any terrorist organisation, or have you directly or indirectly benefited from any terrorist organisation'. the list is endless, but i couldn't help but laugh, who in their  right minds would affirm to any of that?

Anyways we went through that stage and filled the form as honestly as it should be, and just right now at work, she sent me a mail that  she has just finished from the interview and unfortunately she didn't get the visa, she was handed a letter which was pre-prepared as to the reasons why she was rejected. all i understood from the letter was that, she will be graduating sometime in June and she doesn't have any prove that she would return back to Estonia to graduate or that she would not stay in the US for ever.

I feel really sad for her because she just wanted to be a tourist and take pictures in the Hollywood walk of fame (like every tourist does) and take a pic with the huge Hollywood sign showing behind her, this are not things in ones bucket list, but she just got excited in the last week while filling the form and now she is heart broken, who knows, maybe she should have just asked someone for an invite and go through that means rather than applying as a tourist with no family in the US. (just in case i decide to apply, all those i know who have links to the US had better stand as a shorty for me.cos what are friends for?)

we both applied for the UK visa together and we didn't meet with this disappointment, now she feels i am her lucky charm and i let her go alone to the almighty US embassy, i personally don't feel like i was or am her lucky charm, i just think she didn't verbally convince the consular or whoever was interviewing her that she would return after the holiday was over, but i cant tell her that, i just sympathize and try to put myself in her shoes, i mean comon! she paid the visa fee, i know how many watches i would have gotten with that money.(sad)

So i have to go, will be back with more of nothing.

The Feeling of Uncertainty!!

I know i always say 'i'm black and so i cant be depressed' , but for some couple of days now, i have been feeling not so good about my self, my brain capacity, my ability to study and finish something with a presentable result... 

why am i even so bothered about this ish?? i have spoken to people that matter and everyone has one reason or more why i should just let things go and take it as easy as i possibly can.

I am a woman, and most times when i say 'long story' trust me it ain't as long as you expect it to be.

 there is this wonderful lady who happens to 'be paid to impact something meaningful to my life' and for some reason after the 'impacting session' she of cause has to figure out if she has done some kind of work or not, by giving me a kind of test, so every single time, something happens that i have to seek different means to prove to her that ' i was impacted in her class, but mainly by the contributions of others in that impactation class',  i blame myself each time for walking into her class, but lets face it, i don't have much options, the most frustrating part right now is that i always think that each time will be different.(it never is).

Fuck!!! she has drained me this last week, i have had to check and cross check every possible option i have, a friend even told me it was God's will, i don't want to be a hypocrite, but i don't think God will put me in this situation that stresses the life off of me all the time, i was supposed to finish up on my thesis and send a copy to my supervisor this week, but instead i;m looking for classes to substitute for her class i took , having to try and balance my time between work and school(which i thought i wouldn't have any classes this final semester), everything is just haywire for me... i;m sorry if you don't get most of what i'm saying, i'm just too angry to get the right words in a coherent order.

On a totally different note, the supreme court of Nigeria just upheld the governorship election in my home state, now this government will run till 2019, this is actually in my favour, thus making me want to graduate faster and get my self outta this ''amazing'' country, but then again, not all Nigerians want to go back home, this 'fine brother' *winks* wants me to stay back in Europe,(not Estonia). i don't know much about delimas and decision making, but i hope i don't fuck this up for us both.

Nigerians has found a way to recycle  plastic bottles by using them to build a house that is fireproof, bullet proof and Eco friendly, that is great news, seeing that in the last months all i have been getting from home are just bad news about how the present government is fucking up.

Ok, i have managed to say so much in a non correlated way, i'm sorry, but then again, this blog is  about 'everything and nothing'.