Conundrum

 I am so confused right now, I have no idea how to go about this sticky situation. I left happy and determined to have this year to myself, to face whatever comes out of it bravely. I honestly did not expect him to beg so profusely, you know, considering all he said barely a month ago, I thought we were both ready to forsake it all and move on with our individual lives.

What I expected was for him to be wicked and cruel to me during the divorce proceedings, I expected for him to make life hard for me, I expected for him to try his best to make sure that I am removed from this country, you know as he always says,' No body will use him as a means to get a visa in Europe' , I was prepared and ready for a fight, I was ready to give him the ID card and leave Austria for him.

Now, barely a week after I left, he claims he would die, (yet waking up each day), he claims if I do not return his life will be meaningless.

I mean I understand clearly that the MAJOR  reason he needs me back is so that the business will run till his bankruptcy hearing is over (I know this for a fact), heck he has even mentioned it a little over 100 times. yet he somehow manages to confuse himself by saying he will close the business once I return.

I have gone through the law of Divorce here, and as it may be, I am not even qualified for anything, probably not qualified to be granted a divorce, as I have not legally stayed here for up to three years, though I have been married longer than that.

I have listened to him beg and beg for my return, and I am a little convinced that this time, change will happen entirely from his part, but what about from my end? will anything change ? doesn't it take two to Tango? I am unwilling to give up everything I stand for just to make a marriage work, worse still, the marriage has ended on my part, I do not want to have sex with him at all. I have been so scarred that the thought of sex with him disgusts me.

This I have mentioned to him, (not the disgust part obviously), but the not having sex part, and he has generously agreed that there will not be any sex till I am ready, that we will get to know each other better this time around, I do not believe him on that, seeing as the majority of our quarrels are due to the fact that he wants sex everyday. nobody changes over night .

Do I go and give this one last trial run as well as living here married for three years as the law says, till the time is due and I can leave?

will I be able to pretend for one more year till the business is dissolved and my name is debt free?

I am a bad liar! everyone will see through me and this shit will blow up in my face right before my visa expires and I will be left stranded.

Come back for my sake.

 It is exactly a week today I left my marriage and my home and took shelter in the women's house. he has been calling non stop pleading his case as to why I need to return to the marriage for the following reasons:

1. He was not in control of his actions, someone was manipulating him with spiritual means, making him to be abusive and wicked towards his wife, that same person or persons is determined to make his marriage unsuccessful.

2. His bankruptcy case, If I leave the marriage, it would be very detrimental to his bankruptcy hearing in court.(honestly, I don't know how this affects the marriage, because I have been the sole benefactor in this marriage, the company we run is in my name, he earns his salary from there, household bills are paid from company account)

3. His age and history, it would be a shame from his family members who did not want the marriage to take place in the first place to find out that he is getting divorced for the third time. people will look at him as unable to keep a marriage.

4. He will not have the family 2.0 so to speak that he desires, with his history of all his children being raised by their mothers without him present, he wants to raise a family with me to prove to his Exes that his current family and children are better because they have both parents under same roof.

I have been used, I realized now that his sole mission in marrying me is to prove that he is better than his exes who are busy raising children that bears his name. I do not want to be the one who will give a man a redo family, if it means it is out of spite to someone else. 

My kids will not be spoken about or seen to be been better than their siblings simply because they were raised in a household with both parents. I am that child that was raised in a household with one biological parent and I know for a fact what demons I carry and how I see my other siblings who had both parent growing up.

New Era

 Oh mai Gwaad!

did i tell you that we are now officially divorced?

can you believe it?, we left that fucker!

we actually survived that toxic enviroment.

between just us two, no one would believe the shit that went down inside that home. well, except for Felicity, tho she left early enough to safe herself (of that we are very grateful). but damn! the things we had to go through all in the name 'staying and being Married'.

we have a life now girl!. we do. and we are happy with it. i promise you !. we have made friends, acquaintances, colleagues, whatever you wanna label them as, but we are no longer lonely and we are happy thats the most important shit!.

it hasnt been an easy journey to get to where we are today, we had to live in a women's shelter for a few months, got an apartment from the shelter, lost our job for 6months, couldnt keepup with rent, now we have a job albeit shitty (night shift), but we are happy for the future looks bright.

we  would talk about this in a longer post, with more details.

always remember to stay safe.

I am not like the other women.

It was the end of July, a day which started out probably just ok, ended with me being in the emergency room.

I returned from work as usual by 11.35pm, showered and went to bed, husband man was awake and waiting for his sleeping pills a.k.a Me. I pretended not to understand the situation and just went under the covers for a well deserved rest.

He scooched closer and tried to initiate sex, I backed farther away and told him I needed to rest and so does he, he protested that he hasn't been able to sleep well since my friend came around (she had by this time left two days prior), and I said, one more night wouldn't kill him, she should 'half' sleep how he had been doing in the last week, he protested again, reminding me my position as woman in the society, but all I heard was 'you are my sleeping pill, and I need you to sleep'

This angered me and of cause word battle began, he tried to force himself on me and I fought back while repeating to him that I am not like the other women before me or the stereotypical women he watches in Nigerian movies, I will not cower to the ground shielding my face while the man uses me a fitness exercise instrument, I will fight back however i can and with every strength in me, resulting in a full blown physical combat which resulted in destroying of the room, bump on my forehead and a trip to the emergency room.

When the physical altercation was over, I dressed up, went outside and called the police. their arrival was the only reason his daughter who was in the adjacent room was aware of what went down. He wasn't found at home when they arrived, but was told to not return to the house for 2 weeks, (surely I didn't obey this law, because it is in my nature to keep giving, so I only let him stay out for 2 nights) 

When he returned home, he blamed Jennifer for my action, remember Jennifer? from the previous post, the one who is divorced, my friend from Tallinn, I asked him if Jennifer asked him to hit me or if she told me to fight back if my husband tried to force himself on me, and if she didn't tell me that, does it mean I would have allowed him rape him if I didn't have Jennifer in my life? needless to say Jennifer's reputation in my marriage got to an all time low, barely three days after leaving my house.

I had to make a report down at the station  two days after the incident, and I was asked if I wanted to keep the record of what happened incase of a divorce in the future, and I said No, that I wasn't planning on having a divorce, that this would not happen again that the report should be trashed (in hindsight, this was a foolish decision).

There hasn't been further physical violence, but phycological, emotional and financial violence are in the struggle for the first place.

They see you smiling on pictures and posting memes all the time, they have no idea that your mental health has cancer.

What is it with Jennifer?

 I met this Nigerian girl in 2015 in Tallinn, she claims to be an expert in making cute hair styles, we got to know each other and she happens to come from same region in Nigeria as me, so of course we became more than stylist and customer, we became friends.

When she had a baby in 2016, I was there all through it, I was helping her through the first week of post child birth while writing my thesis in her house as well, needless to say her Son has a special part in my heart. Fast-forward 2018, I got married moved to a different country. but we still maintained the relationship. 

In 2014 I met another Nigerian, though we weren't from same region or even same religion, we clicked, she became my person in words and in deed. she knew my struggles and I hers we travelled Europe together she was there for me and I her, In fact after graduation we lived together briefly before I left the country.

Imagine my surprise in 2018 when I heard two of my special friends were having a fall out over rumors' and lies, I was caught in the middle, I received calls from both parties each pleading their case (was this a test on my capacity as a lawyer who hasn't practiced for a long time?) I didn't know how to handle it, and both of them refused to join me in group call to sought it out.

I know it was hard for both of them being in the same country and probably running into each other at the mall, on the bus etc., while fighting, but heck was it hard for me too being in the middle of all that but not physically present and not being able to decipher who speaks the truth and where who went wrong yet expected to pick sides.

My newly married husband without concrete intel to prior knowledge of my relationship with either of them, choose side and expected me to follow up with his decision and cut ties with the other party that he found guilty in his judgment.

Surely he was quick to learn that no one makes decision for me about who to be with.(You would think he should know this, seeing as no one made me marry him) till date he still carries that 'insubordination' of mine into every instance.

In 2021, I went to Tallinn briefly, but before I did, while discussion my accommodation plans, he refused that I stayed with the friend who he found wanting in his judgment from the quarrel earlier mentioned, but the other party wasn't living in Tallinn anymore or even in Europe for that matter. Anyways, I didn't have much of a choice, I stayed with the available friend.

Few months after my visit to Tallinn, the said friend decided to reciprocate my visit and use same opportunity to visit the Alps, so she came to spend some time at my place. unknowing to her that my husband had made an enemy of her before even meeting her and she was walking into the enemy's liar. I however did my best to make her stay very comfortable and he did his best to avoid her as much as he could until she left.

Right after she left, an argument ensued and he mentions that she is a negative influence to me, that he has told me severally to stop speaking to her and I have vehemently refused, that he knows for a fact that any woman that is divorced will not advice another to stay in a marriage and that if I continue to have her as a friend, eventually I would follow in her footstep. this fact comes up in marriage issues all the time it has become number 1 point in every argument.

I found his words offensive, in three ways;

1. It connotes that I am easily swayed, that I do not think for myself, or possibly do not have the capacity to think for myself, therefore I rely on friends to tell me how to live my life.

2.That he is in control of me and I am meant to only take his own advice, that his words are the best advice in the world, and that by marrying me, he gets to control my circle of friends.

3. He thinks I would cut a relationship with a friend just because she is divorced and thereby join the section of Nigerians who think her evil for standing up for herself in an abusive marriage and knowing when to leave.

I decided to finally ask him why he hates her so much, is it because she is divorced, or is it because her Ex husband wasn't able to send her back to Nigeria after the divorce, and he mistakenly blurted out that he knew her from way before and he is just surprised she didn't recognize him or she is acting like she doesn't know him. but he has only ever mentioned that he knows her brother who grew up in a different region than she did, the two siblings grew up miles apart.

Therefore it is logical that they have different circle of friends, and if her brother mentioned his sister to you once, doesn't mean she is supposed to remember you years later.

Hence the tittle of this post.

The Endings

So, yesterday 25th March 2020, after over a month of not speaking to each other and after over 3 weeks of him taking off his wedding ring he decided he wanted to "talk" reason being that, "let it be known that he tried to sort things out". Smh.

He asked to know what my plans are concerning this marriage and the way things are going.
I told him I had no plans.
He went on to say that what I said the last time(that he raped me) was an abomination where he comes from. That it was unheard of. It doesn't happen anywhere in the world that a man rapes his wife.
That for me to have said that, means that "I am one of them"
I enquired to know what "being one of them meant" and he said I am "one of those people out there that will use that against him in court when seeking for a divorce".

It hurt me to hear him even so much as voice how low he thinks of me.
But again, I recalled how just few days before he was talking to his relative in Russia, who was telling him about his "wife's" (I put that on quote because he needs the woman to give him a residency, I don't know if it is a contract marriage or he is just using her) attitude towards him. And my husband right in front of me and his daughter cautioned him not to even think about trying to go for a black woman. That our hearts are as dark as our skin that we are very very wicked.
He went on to say how he has made a lot of mistakes in his life, that the boy should remember that the reason his first marriage to the white woman failed was because she said 3 children was enough for her and she wasn't going to try for another. And his family took offence and said it was impossible for him not to have a son, that if she doesn't want to have any more children, then she should go. And go she went.( now I never heard this part of the story before , not like he has ever come out to tell me what went wrong anyway, all he said was she came back to Europe withdrew all his money and filed for divorce).

He complained so much about how bad the black woman is to the extent that the guy on the phone had to "jokingly" ask him (in Igbo) hope all is well in his house, this one he is talking like this. He quickly tried to cover it up by saying it was due to what someone said (one of the pro Biafran person in the USA).
The way I was embarrassed ehn, I cant even put it to writing, Imagine the belittling.

I digress... back to main gist
He talked about how I once told him that I tried for a year with my ex and couldn't conceive, (the lie about this ex never stops, relation that lasted only 3 months, but i believed we were so in love that we spoke about our future, and that is what he keeps twisting and bringing up in every argument.)

 how I also once told him that if he annoys me that I will make him regret (Abeg, if someone annoys you, how are you supposed to react? do you become a comedian and make their life more pleasant? or you express your anger?). That it is also possible that I have been secretly taking contraceptives so as not to have a child. 

I told him that I have never had the leisure of having extra or even any cash on me in this marriage? So where will I have gotten money to buy contraceptives?  Secondly that you need a doctor's prescription to buy one of those, of which he negated.  I told him, I don't know of the law here, but in Estonia you must.

My tired is Tired!, I must have obviously been a slaver or a commander in Hitler's army in my past life to deserve this life now.

The Fall out.

After weeks of being angry at each other, he decide to speak to me last night.
started off with,

 "It is better to speak about certain issues, that he was genuinely hurt and he would like to let me know. the last time we had sex, since then he had been watching me to know what I really want, and that he can clearly see that I do not want a child. that he very much wants one, and that is why he keeps coming to me for sex, that a married couple seeking for a child should not be begging the other partner for sex , which is what he seems to be doing in this marriage. and now my ovulation window for this month (march) has passed and I didn't even bother to come to him for sex, that he knows for a fact from hear say from people that it is the woman who comes to the  man to get her pregnant. unless there is something you are not telling me".

"You see period for 10 days in a month, nothing wrong in me having sex the remaining 20 days of the month.it is not how it is done, when you marry, you give your husband sex, anytime he asks for it. do you want me to go outside and ask for sex? something I swore never to do in marriage?",

My reply;
The thing that happened between us the last time wasn't sex! it was RAPE!! you cannot tell me that you had sex with your wife when her back was turned towards you, her hands firmly in-between her legs  as she is rolled up like a ball in bed.
I have told you time and again, that you need to respect my body, I give you sex 5 times a week, and the day I say no, you should keep your penis to yourself for that night, this is both a threat and a warning! I am tired of being used as a sleeping pill. make love to your wife if you want to have a child, don't force yourself on her.
I am not a prostitute, I have feelings too, when you have sex with your wife, at least allow her cum once in every 5 times, it is not too much to ask, stop making me feel used, I cant feel like that the rest of my life.
I will not die during pregnancy or childbirth just because you need a child, you know all the issues I have, I need to see a doctor to put me in the clear that this pain in my umbilically cord will not be the death of me during pregnancy, you know for sure that I have anemia and I almost always don't have enough blood to sustain me not to talk of sustaining another life, I am supposed to be on folic acid at least 12 weeks before conception or immediately I find out I am pregnant so that I will not give birth to a child with brain or cerebral malfunction, ( I have been reading a lot and listening to many seminars, I know for a fact from qualified doctors, that if you have been making love constantly for a year and no pregnancy, then you should see a fertility specialist, we have been together for 3 years now,  I haven't even seen a Dermatologist, not to talk of a Gynecologist, so what do do you think?)

I believe that the problem is from me, not  to be stereotypical, but you already have children, so if you have a case of infertility, then it would be secondary, those type are not difficult to solve, but I have never been pregnant my entire life thus, mine would be primary infertility.

Seeing as this visa issue is not getting sorted out anytime soon, and I know your schedule, it is difficult for you to work around from office to office to get things done, if I per adventure get pregnant now, I would either die in the pregnancy or give birth to a deformed child because I would not have had any  prenatal vitamins.
All in all I need to see a doctor ASAP. I am not saying if the pregnancy comes I would be sad, but it hasn't come in the 3 years we have been together, and I know for a fact again, that I need a doctor. these painful menstruations that I have is not normal, I was treating it when I lived like a human in Tallinn.

Him;
So you are saying that all these while, you planned/never wanted to get pregnant before your visa issue is sorted out?

Me;
it is ok to sieve and select what you want to hear, but I have said what I said.

Him;
I know where this is heading to, I will cut it before it gets there.

Me;
*********
Why do men always think if they say, you aren't giving me sex, I will go outside and get , and expect the woman is to tremble?, Jesus!
do they also know that the woman could be sexually frustrated and can also get admirers and seek out sexual satisfaction from men outside? it is not feminism, it is reciprocity.


Also, I think the kind of life my husband lived after his first divorce is still inherent in him, like he just fucked women for the pleasure of himself, now he married me, and I refused to be treated like that i.e. trash!

 I too want to fuck and cum!