Conundrum

 I am so confused right now, I have no idea how to go about this sticky situation. I left happy and determined to have this year to myself, to face whatever comes out of it bravely. I honestly did not expect him to beg so profusely, you know, considering all he said barely a month ago, I thought we were both ready to forsake it all and move on with our individual lives.

What I expected was for him to be wicked and cruel to me during the divorce proceedings, I expected for him to make life hard for me, I expected for him to try his best to make sure that I am removed from this country, you know as he always says,' No body will use him as a means to get a visa in Europe' , I was prepared and ready for a fight, I was ready to give him the ID card and leave Austria for him.

Now, barely a week after I left, he claims he would die, (yet waking up each day), he claims if I do not return his life will be meaningless.

I mean I understand clearly that the MAJOR  reason he needs me back is so that the business will run till his bankruptcy hearing is over (I know this for a fact), heck he has even mentioned it a little over 100 times. yet he somehow manages to confuse himself by saying he will close the business once I return.

I have gone through the law of Divorce here, and as it may be, I am not even qualified for anything, probably not qualified to be granted a divorce, as I have not legally stayed here for up to three years, though I have been married longer than that.

I have listened to him beg and beg for my return, and I am a little convinced that this time, change will happen entirely from his part, but what about from my end? will anything change ? doesn't it take two to Tango? I am unwilling to give up everything I stand for just to make a marriage work, worse still, the marriage has ended on my part, I do not want to have sex with him at all. I have been so scarred that the thought of sex with him disgusts me.

This I have mentioned to him, (not the disgust part obviously), but the not having sex part, and he has generously agreed that there will not be any sex till I am ready, that we will get to know each other better this time around, I do not believe him on that, seeing as the majority of our quarrels are due to the fact that he wants sex everyday. nobody changes over night .

Do I go and give this one last trial run as well as living here married for three years as the law says, till the time is due and I can leave?

will I be able to pretend for one more year till the business is dissolved and my name is debt free?

I am a bad liar! everyone will see through me and this shit will blow up in my face right before my visa expires and I will be left stranded.

Come back for my sake.

 It is exactly a week today I left my marriage and my home and took shelter in the women's house. he has been calling non stop pleading his case as to why I need to return to the marriage for the following reasons:

1. He was not in control of his actions, someone was manipulating him with spiritual means, making him to be abusive and wicked towards his wife, that same person or persons is determined to make his marriage unsuccessful.

2. His bankruptcy case, If I leave the marriage, it would be very detrimental to his bankruptcy hearing in court.(honestly, I don't know how this affects the marriage, because I have been the sole benefactor in this marriage, the company we run is in my name, he earns his salary from there, household bills are paid from company account)

3. His age and history, it would be a shame from his family members who did not want the marriage to take place in the first place to find out that he is getting divorced for the third time. people will look at him as unable to keep a marriage.

4. He will not have the family 2.0 so to speak that he desires, with his history of all his children being raised by their mothers without him present, he wants to raise a family with me to prove to his Exes that his current family and children are better because they have both parents under same roof.

I have been used, I realized now that his sole mission in marrying me is to prove that he is better than his exes who are busy raising children that bears his name. I do not want to be the one who will give a man a redo family, if it means it is out of spite to someone else. 

My kids will not be spoken about or seen to be been better than their siblings simply because they were raised in a household with both parents. I am that child that was raised in a household with one biological parent and I know for a fact what demons I carry and how I see my other siblings who had both parent growing up.

New Era

 Oh mai Gwaad!

did i tell you that we are now officially divorced?

can you believe it?, we left that fucker!

we actually survived that toxic enviroment.

between just us two, no one would believe the shit that went down inside that home. well, except for Felicity, tho she left early enough to safe herself (of that we are very grateful). but damn! the things we had to go through all in the name 'staying and being Married'.

we have a life now girl!. we do. and we are happy with it. i promise you !. we have made friends, acquaintances, colleagues, whatever you wanna label them as, but we are no longer lonely and we are happy thats the most important shit!.

it hasnt been an easy journey to get to where we are today, we had to live in a women's shelter for a few months, got an apartment from the shelter, lost our job for 6months, couldnt keepup with rent, now we have a job albeit shitty (night shift), but we are happy for the future looks bright.

we  would talk about this in a longer post, with more details.

always remember to stay safe.