I am not like the other women.

It was the end of July, a day which started out probably just ok, ended with me being in the emergency room.

I returned from work as usual by 11.35pm, showered and went to bed, husband man was awake and waiting for his sleeping pills a.k.a Me. I pretended not to understand the situation and just went under the covers for a well deserved rest.

He scooched closer and tried to initiate sex, I backed farther away and told him I needed to rest and so does he, he protested that he hasn't been able to sleep well since my friend came around (she had by this time left two days prior), and I said, one more night wouldn't kill him, she should 'half' sleep how he had been doing in the last week, he protested again, reminding me my position as woman in the society, but all I heard was 'you are my sleeping pill, and I need you to sleep'

This angered me and of cause word battle began, he tried to force himself on me and I fought back while repeating to him that I am not like the other women before me or the stereotypical women he watches in Nigerian movies, I will not cower to the ground shielding my face while the man uses me a fitness exercise instrument, I will fight back however i can and with every strength in me, resulting in a full blown physical combat which resulted in destroying of the room, bump on my forehead and a trip to the emergency room.

When the physical altercation was over, I dressed up, went outside and called the police. their arrival was the only reason his daughter who was in the adjacent room was aware of what went down. He wasn't found at home when they arrived, but was told to not return to the house for 2 weeks, (surely I didn't obey this law, because it is in my nature to keep giving, so I only let him stay out for 2 nights) 

When he returned home, he blamed Jennifer for my action, remember Jennifer? from the previous post, the one who is divorced, my friend from Tallinn, I asked him if Jennifer asked him to hit me or if she told me to fight back if my husband tried to force himself on me, and if she didn't tell me that, does it mean I would have allowed him rape him if I didn't have Jennifer in my life? needless to say Jennifer's reputation in my marriage got to an all time low, barely three days after leaving my house.

I had to make a report down at the station  two days after the incident, and I was asked if I wanted to keep the record of what happened incase of a divorce in the future, and I said No, that I wasn't planning on having a divorce, that this would not happen again that the report should be trashed (in hindsight, this was a foolish decision).

There hasn't been further physical violence, but phycological, emotional and financial violence are in the struggle for the first place.

They see you smiling on pictures and posting memes all the time, they have no idea that your mental health has cancer.

What is it with Jennifer?

 I met this Nigerian girl in 2015 in Tallinn, she claims to be an expert in making cute hair styles, we got to know each other and she happens to come from same region in Nigeria as me, so of course we became more than stylist and customer, we became friends.

When she had a baby in 2016, I was there all through it, I was helping her through the first week of post child birth while writing my thesis in her house as well, needless to say her Son has a special part in my heart. Fast-forward 2018, I got married moved to a different country. but we still maintained the relationship. 

In 2014 I met another Nigerian, though we weren't from same region or even same religion, we clicked, she became my person in words and in deed. she knew my struggles and I hers we travelled Europe together she was there for me and I her, In fact after graduation we lived together briefly before I left the country.

Imagine my surprise in 2018 when I heard two of my special friends were having a fall out over rumors' and lies, I was caught in the middle, I received calls from both parties each pleading their case (was this a test on my capacity as a lawyer who hasn't practiced for a long time?) I didn't know how to handle it, and both of them refused to join me in group call to sought it out.

I know it was hard for both of them being in the same country and probably running into each other at the mall, on the bus etc., while fighting, but heck was it hard for me too being in the middle of all that but not physically present and not being able to decipher who speaks the truth and where who went wrong yet expected to pick sides.

My newly married husband without concrete intel to prior knowledge of my relationship with either of them, choose side and expected me to follow up with his decision and cut ties with the other party that he found guilty in his judgment.

Surely he was quick to learn that no one makes decision for me about who to be with.(You would think he should know this, seeing as no one made me marry him) till date he still carries that 'insubordination' of mine into every instance.

In 2021, I went to Tallinn briefly, but before I did, while discussion my accommodation plans, he refused that I stayed with the friend who he found wanting in his judgment from the quarrel earlier mentioned, but the other party wasn't living in Tallinn anymore or even in Europe for that matter. Anyways, I didn't have much of a choice, I stayed with the available friend.

Few months after my visit to Tallinn, the said friend decided to reciprocate my visit and use same opportunity to visit the Alps, so she came to spend some time at my place. unknowing to her that my husband had made an enemy of her before even meeting her and she was walking into the enemy's liar. I however did my best to make her stay very comfortable and he did his best to avoid her as much as he could until she left.

Right after she left, an argument ensued and he mentions that she is a negative influence to me, that he has told me severally to stop speaking to her and I have vehemently refused, that he knows for a fact that any woman that is divorced will not advice another to stay in a marriage and that if I continue to have her as a friend, eventually I would follow in her footstep. this fact comes up in marriage issues all the time it has become number 1 point in every argument.

I found his words offensive, in three ways;

1. It connotes that I am easily swayed, that I do not think for myself, or possibly do not have the capacity to think for myself, therefore I rely on friends to tell me how to live my life.

2.That he is in control of me and I am meant to only take his own advice, that his words are the best advice in the world, and that by marrying me, he gets to control my circle of friends.

3. He thinks I would cut a relationship with a friend just because she is divorced and thereby join the section of Nigerians who think her evil for standing up for herself in an abusive marriage and knowing when to leave.

I decided to finally ask him why he hates her so much, is it because she is divorced, or is it because her Ex husband wasn't able to send her back to Nigeria after the divorce, and he mistakenly blurted out that he knew her from way before and he is just surprised she didn't recognize him or she is acting like she doesn't know him. but he has only ever mentioned that he knows her brother who grew up in a different region than she did, the two siblings grew up miles apart.

Therefore it is logical that they have different circle of friends, and if her brother mentioned his sister to you once, doesn't mean she is supposed to remember you years later.

Hence the tittle of this post.

The Endings

So, yesterday 25th March 2020, after over a month of not speaking to each other and after over 3 weeks of him taking off his wedding ring he decided he wanted to "talk" reason being that, "let it be known that he tried to sort things out". Smh.

He asked to know what my plans are concerning this marriage and the way things are going.
I told him I had no plans.
He went on to say that what I said the last time(that he raped me) was an abomination where he comes from. That it was unheard of. It doesn't happen anywhere in the world that a man rapes his wife.
That for me to have said that, means that "I am one of them"
I enquired to know what "being one of them meant" and he said I am "one of those people out there that will use that against him in court when seeking for a divorce".

It hurt me to hear him even so much as voice how low he thinks of me.
But again, I recalled how just few days before he was talking to his relative in Russia, who was telling him about his "wife's" (I put that on quote because he needs the woman to give him a residency, I don't know if it is a contract marriage or he is just using her) attitude towards him. And my husband right in front of me and his daughter cautioned him not to even think about trying to go for a black woman. That our hearts are as dark as our skin that we are very very wicked.
He went on to say how he has made a lot of mistakes in his life, that the boy should remember that the reason his first marriage to the white woman failed was because she said 3 children was enough for her and she wasn't going to try for another. And his family took offence and said it was impossible for him not to have a son, that if she doesn't want to have any more children, then she should go. And go she went.( now I never heard this part of the story before , not like he has ever come out to tell me what went wrong anyway, all he said was she came back to Europe withdrew all his money and filed for divorce).

He complained so much about how bad the black woman is to the extent that the guy on the phone had to "jokingly" ask him (in Igbo) hope all is well in his house, this one he is talking like this. He quickly tried to cover it up by saying it was due to what someone said (one of the pro Biafran person in the USA).
The way I was embarrassed ehn, I cant even put it to writing, Imagine the belittling.

I digress... back to main gist
He talked about how I once told him that I tried for a year with my ex and couldn't conceive, (the lie about this ex never stops, relation that lasted only 3 months, but i believed we were so in love that we spoke about our future, and that is what he keeps twisting and bringing up in every argument.)

 how I also once told him that if he annoys me that I will make him regret (Abeg, if someone annoys you, how are you supposed to react? do you become a comedian and make their life more pleasant? or you express your anger?). That it is also possible that I have been secretly taking contraceptives so as not to have a child. 

I told him that I have never had the leisure of having extra or even any cash on me in this marriage? So where will I have gotten money to buy contraceptives?  Secondly that you need a doctor's prescription to buy one of those, of which he negated.  I told him, I don't know of the law here, but in Estonia you must.

My tired is Tired!, I must have obviously been a slaver or a commander in Hitler's army in my past life to deserve this life now.

The Fall out.

After weeks of being angry at each other, he decide to speak to me last night.
started off with,

 "It is better to speak about certain issues, that he was genuinely hurt and he would like to let me know. the last time we had sex, since then he had been watching me to know what I really want, and that he can clearly see that I do not want a child. that he very much wants one, and that is why he keeps coming to me for sex, that a married couple seeking for a child should not be begging the other partner for sex , which is what he seems to be doing in this marriage. and now my ovulation window for this month (march) has passed and I didn't even bother to come to him for sex, that he knows for a fact from hear say from people that it is the woman who comes to the  man to get her pregnant. unless there is something you are not telling me".

"You see period for 10 days in a month, nothing wrong in me having sex the remaining 20 days of the month.it is not how it is done, when you marry, you give your husband sex, anytime he asks for it. do you want me to go outside and ask for sex? something I swore never to do in marriage?",

My reply;
The thing that happened between us the last time wasn't sex! it was RAPE!! you cannot tell me that you had sex with your wife when her back was turned towards you, her hands firmly in-between her legs  as she is rolled up like a ball in bed.
I have told you time and again, that you need to respect my body, I give you sex 5 times a week, and the day I say no, you should keep your penis to yourself for that night, this is both a threat and a warning! I am tired of being used as a sleeping pill. make love to your wife if you want to have a child, don't force yourself on her.
I am not a prostitute, I have feelings too, when you have sex with your wife, at least allow her cum once in every 5 times, it is not too much to ask, stop making me feel used, I cant feel like that the rest of my life.
I will not die during pregnancy or childbirth just because you need a child, you know all the issues I have, I need to see a doctor to put me in the clear that this pain in my umbilically cord will not be the death of me during pregnancy, you know for sure that I have anemia and I almost always don't have enough blood to sustain me not to talk of sustaining another life, I am supposed to be on folic acid at least 12 weeks before conception or immediately I find out I am pregnant so that I will not give birth to a child with brain or cerebral malfunction, ( I have been reading a lot and listening to many seminars, I know for a fact from qualified doctors, that if you have been making love constantly for a year and no pregnancy, then you should see a fertility specialist, we have been together for 3 years now,  I haven't even seen a Dermatologist, not to talk of a Gynecologist, so what do do you think?)

I believe that the problem is from me, not  to be stereotypical, but you already have children, so if you have a case of infertility, then it would be secondary, those type are not difficult to solve, but I have never been pregnant my entire life thus, mine would be primary infertility.

Seeing as this visa issue is not getting sorted out anytime soon, and I know your schedule, it is difficult for you to work around from office to office to get things done, if I per adventure get pregnant now, I would either die in the pregnancy or give birth to a deformed child because I would not have had any  prenatal vitamins.
All in all I need to see a doctor ASAP. I am not saying if the pregnancy comes I would be sad, but it hasn't come in the 3 years we have been together, and I know for a fact again, that I need a doctor. these painful menstruations that I have is not normal, I was treating it when I lived like a human in Tallinn.

Him;
So you are saying that all these while, you planned/never wanted to get pregnant before your visa issue is sorted out?

Me;
it is ok to sieve and select what you want to hear, but I have said what I said.

Him;
I know where this is heading to, I will cut it before it gets there.

Me;
*********
Why do men always think if they say, you aren't giving me sex, I will go outside and get , and expect the woman is to tremble?, Jesus!
do they also know that the woman could be sexually frustrated and can also get admirers and seek out sexual satisfaction from men outside? it is not feminism, it is reciprocity.


Also, I think the kind of life my husband lived after his first divorce is still inherent in him, like he just fucked women for the pleasure of himself, now he married me, and I refused to be treated like that i.e. trash!

 I too want to fuck and cum!

IT WAS A FIGHT

 August 2021, just few days after my visitor from Tallinn left, he lashed out again asking for Sex when I Cleary wasn't up for it, but he wouldn't take no for an Answer, so we fought. 

I refuse to be a victim, so I wouldn't say he beat me, because the fight ended when he couldn't breath due to my tight grip of the neck chain to his neck. if he was beating me up, then I would have been cowering on the floor or on the bed with my hands protecting my face, so NO! IT WAS A FIGHT.

Felicity was the sitting room no idea what was going on, after it was over, I dressed up, went outside to use the city´s free Wi-Fi, to connect and call the police.

He was out of the house by the time they arrived., I was taken to the emergency room for check up and when he was found, he was asked to stay out the house for 2 weeks.

The next day I went and opened a personal bank account, I had recently just gotten a job and the idea was for my salary to be paid to his account, but after the head butting I received , do yo blame me for rushing to bank to get my own private account?

He called my Mum and she interceded on his behalf, with the reason that we don't have that much money so the little we have shouldn't be spent on hotel bills.(I know that those were his words coming out of her mouth, but I overlooked it)

I never really lived down this incident, the new slogan in every quarrel is that my friend is influencing negatively, and that because I have gotten and Austrian visa and a Job, I feel like "I have arrived" in other words, I feel content,, and my pride has soared high. He never believes that I have the capacity to be angry over things, so whenever I express anger, he looks for someone or something to blame.(someone must have told me to be angry at him and act in a certain way), it angers him that that ´nonexistent´  someone isn't him, as far as he is concerned, the only person allowed to influence me, is him. he hasn't forgiven me for opening that bank account.(not like anybody is asking for his forgiveness though), that always finds its way to out weekly arguments.

When two people  realize that they made an error by marrying, why does it matter what fake friends and family think if you get a divorce? Someone should tell Anthony this please, he may listen if it is coming from someone other than me.

(

The Endings 2

Today 26th March 2020 I told him that I feel like he isn't listening to me , or that he listens but just blantly doesn't want to hear me, that i feel unheard in this relationship.  Because last night after i had gone to bed like 2 or 3 hrs later, when he was done with his laptop, he was unable to sleep and decided to wake me up from my sleep to have sex , I reminded him that I am still on my period.
So today I told him that, if he had been listening to me he would have known that I said I hated the fact that he uses me as sleeping pills. I hate those kind of sex that he will just fuck to sleep , I hate it more so that he has to wake me up for it, so he can sleep. It make me feel like I am just an object.

I told him also that I had a plan. Get the 5 years residency from Estonia, go back to Nigeria, frequent Europe and 6-7months to when the resident permit is about to expire I come back and get a job and use that to renew the permit for another 5 yrs. But then he came along and promised me heaven on earth and asked me to return to Europe, which I did. Unknowingly he didnt have his life figured out.

When i asked him about his divorce certificate, he told me they don't issue one in Austria, what they do instead is tear up the marriage license.  (As a lawyer I should have known better) but I couldn't argue with him. he has lived here for over 20 years and the laws here ain't same as the laws in Nigeria, so I believed him. My dad asked him same thing and he gave same response,(so much for being Lawyers, my Dad and I).

Only for me to be here and after marriage in Nigeria, his ex wife came to court with our wedding pictures (how she got those, still baffles me), he had to lie that those were engagement pictures not marriage.   I wondered why she would do that if they were divorced but alas he was only separated.
I complained about the marriage he had with Joy too (which btw he has said little or nothing about) telling him that, it only means I married someone's husband.  If he is done with her, he should go and collect the bride price back( which is our traditional way of divorce).
A few days later, I then heard him making a call to that effect ,i.e. asking them to go and collect the bride price back, I don't know if it ever happened or not, because talking about her is an abomination in this house) so, if that call was not a scam or a trick for me, then it  means he truly married her, and he lied to me that he didn't .

So I said, if he had cleared up his plate before meeting me, or if he had told me the truth from the beginning I wouldn't be in this country three years with no Visa.  That if I had only 1 yr or less residency within the EU/Schengen member state, then I don't know how I would have managed to still be here till now. surely, they would have deported me as they did Joy, who I found out stayed with him till her visa from France expired.

He constantly uses the fact that I planned with with my ex as a point in every quarrel relating to my inability to have a child for him, I told him that I didn't live with Desmond for unto a year just 2.5 months but that I went off the pills for 1 month to try and see if I could get pregnant, but thank God I didn't because after he left Estonia a white girl came to me telling me she has a son for him.

Also that he mentioned yesterday that my dad asked him if we have been together for atleast 1 yr. As he said yesterday that if we had dated, we wouldn't be here today. And I affirmed to it. That if I knew the things I knew now if we dated , I wouldn't have married him.

That's my reply to his question of yesterday as to what I wanted from this marriage.
And he said so we should end it?
And I replied

YES PLEASE:

GROWING UP ERICA 1

hello invisible fans of mine );
 this is going to be a long series of the adventures and sayings of my bonus child.(make of it what you want).

I should apologize for taking almost a 2 year break, but i have been through the seven hells and back, and sorry i cant possible tell you all the sh*t that went down, (those would be in my autobiography)because frankly, my so-called fan base don't exist, and i as usual dealing with my imaginary life of a celebrity. so, sorry but not sincerely.

After the marriage to shatz, i was blessed with with a bonus child, a full blown teenager, an intelligent, beautify bi-racial brown skin girl who knowingly, or otherwise keeps me sane.

just a little background on this human yet mystical creature, she was born here in Austria, then at the age of 4, they relocated to Nigeria, where she stayed back, even though her parents returned back to Austria.

she grew up with her Aunt and cousins and as a norm, went to a boarding school, she finished her primary and high school education in Nigeria, after which, she returned back to Austria to live with her Dad and I.

I didn't know what to expect of her, cos i barely knew her, i had previously met her in Nigeria when we went for the traditional marriage rites, but it was quite brief and not an appropriate setting to get to know her, and this madam was already taller than me at just 15 years of age! (thanks mum, for being to stingy to share your height).

I was anyways legitimately happy that her upbringing was done in Nigeria, in other words, they must have instilled home training and good upbringing in her, that is not to say that she will not be unruly sometimes or act out (these were expected for sure)but just like i did while growing up myself with more than 1 step mothers and living with family members and grandmothers of blessed memory, the acting out was done behind the adult's back.(God forbid that i talk back to an adult, well only of cause if i wanted to join my grandfather in the other life)

I digress...

In a little over 2 years that i have know her, i am grateful for being able to share in her journey and watch her become the woman she was destined to become.

this is just a little intro, i will feed you on all the adventures i have had to enjoy alone with this little (well big) human.